Contributors Say

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Thank you for sharing your feelings.

One Way out of Shame

is to be willing

to experience shame.

Clip: http://www.thousandtyone.com/blog/content/binary/

Wednesday, May 20, 2009
 

Right Here, Right Now - Population Trends

The new Speed of Expansion - a Must Watch video.
 

Wednesday, May 20, 2009
 

Tribe, Come In Tribe

If the Tribe is active it is easy to contact them,   if not, you can start your own Tribe.

Clip: http://www.seykota.com/tribe/

Directory/index.htm

Wednesday, May 20, 2009
 

I Hope This Helps

Dear Ed,

I am very grateful for the workshop experience.
I am not very good with the system dynamics, and not much of a help with your book.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009 9:24 AM

The Science of Voodoo: When Mind Attacks Body

Ed,

Hope all is well. Thought you might enjoy this article.

Thank you for the clip.

Our Metaphors

can help steer our realities.

Clip: http://media.photobucket.com/image/voodoo/

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Overcomming Fear of Programming

Ed,
 

Thank you for supporting me in my Big Wave. I continue to learn from you. I attach a spread sheet of my measurements. I acknowledge others contribution for the spread sheet idea. Thank you both. Not in the spread sheet, I complete Road Maps 3 and it is very exciting. I am doing the road maps with my daughter and we commit to complete the study before she goes to college this fall. I keep track of tasks that I accomplish in my personal journal.

I overcome my fear of learning programming. I have a friend in my city who commits to looking over my programming and answer my questions weekly. Others offer additional support. These give me enough confidence to start learning C#.

I obtain a license for trading blox and as I begin to know what I am doing, I commit to learn to build systems using the blox also.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Thank you for sharing your process.

Completion

frees resources for other projects.

Clip: http://images.inmagine.com/img/

Tuesday, May 19, 2009
 

K-nots for a Tribe

You might consider starting a Tribe and / or attending a workshop.

Here is information from my site about Tribes.

Clip: http://www.seykota.com/tribe/Directory/

index.htm

Tuesday, May 19, 2009
 

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Self-Witnessing a Stroke

Dear Teacher,

I find this link very fascinating. I feel you may too.

http://www.ted.com/index.php/talks/

jill_bolte_taylor_s_powerful_stroke_of_insight.html

I am reading your book. I feel another thanks is in order.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Intense Moments

Dear Ed,

I am living exciting and intense moments, thanks all of you for being part of my Support Team. I feel I am making substantial progress on my Big Wave:
 

*) I have completed at least 75% of the research on Portfolio Heat, which I feel being one of the most consuming area of the 5 below: Dynamic portfolio rules, Dynamic sizing rules, Portfolio “Heat” control rules, Single-System vs Multi-System Portfolios, Single-Time frame vs Dual-Time frames. Currently, I manage to work more then the 10 hours per week as scheduled. I feel I am budgeting correctly the hours allocated.

*) I have some business opportunities shaping up. I feel this technology works really fast! I keep you posted.

*) I have completed 20% of the available material in System Dynamics; I get some insights by reading and working on that.

*) I have collected most of the track records of the major HFs I consider "my peers".

*) I am having sound, happy and supportive conversations with my girlfriend.

*) I have called an old friend and scheduled a meeting in two weeks time. He is part of my Sales Network Support Team.

*) I am having great time in my local Tribe. It “Rocks”!

*) I am learning a lot in being a Receiver and a member of many Support Teams.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009
 

The True Feeling of Support

Ed,

Thank you for sharing your process.

When Fathers Beat their Kids

they teach them

how to beat kids.

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Both and More

Hi Ed
 

Thank you for letting me read Trader's Window. I am still processing many "A-ha's", and chuckling about comic-causey pilots and silly-cone heads.

I am now crystal clear on "know when to break the rules." The last line of the poem "Either or? Both and more!" moves me deeply.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Shy

Dear Support Team,

I am happy with my progress on Wave 1, but not on Wave 2. I write an update below and attach my measurements.

On my first wave, I make progress through the Road Maps and I do background research on how I can implement a trading system to manage my money. I look at back testing software, brokers, and I think of how I can implement a system that does not violate the personal trading rules of my employer. I am excited at working on this project because I can see it being successful and I think it is less complicated than I originally envisioned.

When I work on the Road Maps, I notice that I occasionally loose focus on the exercises due to thinking about other things and I wonder if learning about dynamic feedback system models will be useful in developing my trading system. I find the scheduling aspect of the big wave process to be very useful as I previously had simply not dedicated any time to pursuing this goal.

My effort and motivation for pursuing wave 2 has diminished significantly. In the time that I schedule for this wave, I try various activities but I am uncertain about the way to best pursue it. Ultimately, I lose my confidence and vigor for pursuing the wave. I also notice that I usually envision this wave in the future, instead of the now. This is in contrast to my other wave, which I experience in the now.

Thank you for sharing your process.

One Way out of Shyness

is to be willing

to be shy.

Clip: http://images.huffingtonpost.com/gen/35979/

Monday, May 18, 2009
 

Oh Dear Deer!
 

Hi Ed,

You might consider taking your feelings about <headlights> to Tribe.

Oh Dear!

Clip: http://www.hunt101.com/data/500/

Monday, May 18, 2009

Hot News Flash
 

Monday, May 18, 2009

Progress Report

Ed,

I keep on working in my wave. I receive feedback from workshop participants and members of my Tribe pointing at different issues. Some of them are supportive, some of them are critical, both are very welcomed.

This week I observe how other people manipulate and control their relationships. I also see these relationships fail after some time.

I get aware of people manipulating each other and wonder about me using similar resources in the past.

For some days I think about a problem. I committed to make my marriage work. But where is the limit? Am I willing to sacrifice my own needs to make it work?

If my wife ignores me, or if she starts dating the  postman…I do not have an answer to that.

On Friday, I work on the feeling “I lose control” on the hotseat. I send a report to the FAQ.

On Saturday, I experience a breakthrough. A situation arises in which I feel loneliness and abandon. The situation is very frequent. I know that it can be related to my own issues regarding my relationship to my mother. But anyway, it is unbearable to me. I still did not work on this issue on the hotseat.

I used to get angry at that. But since I enjoy the feeling “anger” I cannot use it anymore to cover the real feeling, “sadness”. On Saturday I tell my wife about my sadness and my feelings of loneliness.

She is defensive, makes excuses, explains me why she acts that way. It takes her a while to understand what I am saying, to receive me. As she finally understands me I experience an outburst of emotion.

This happens two times this week. It seems to me that I am learning to receive the feelings of other people, but also to express my needs and feelings in a way that my wife can understand.

I also observe that my daughter tells me frequently about her fears. We have a long conversation about her fears about death and getting lost.

Still, my answers are not automatic. However, I see a substantial increase in intimacy with my wife.

I thank you all for your support!

Monday, May 18, 2009

When Robots Talk

Ed,

Here are some additional links on items that we discuss earlier: Computers are way ahead of us in clear communication: See below the parallels on human-to-human send-receive pattern.

If computer programs operate at the "level of agreement" that people operate from, no computer work ever gets done.

We humans can learn a lot about communicating effectively by studying computer programming Design Patterns like inversion of control.

WCF in particular has many useful lessons on requirements for effective send-receive human-to-human protocols.

As an aside, you might find WCF very useful for your work on networked trading-program systems. I am studying it heavily now.
 

Inversion of Control pattern
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/

Inversion_of_control

Dependency Injection:

We humans can take a lesson from the explicitness of this pattern:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/

Dependency_injection

WCF/Windows Communication Foundation:

Agreement on Send/Receive via "Service Contracts", "Operations Contracts", "Data Contracts" ....interesting stuff Ed, where each of the 2 modules communicating understand the role/tasks/boundaries and authority of the other as a basis for communicating:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/

Windows_Communication_Foundation
 

A WCF Service is composed of three parts —

a /Service/ class that implements the service to be provided, a /host environment/ to host the service, and one or more /endpoints/ to which clients will connect. All communications with the WCF service will happen via the endpoints. The endpoints specify a /Contract/ that defines which methods of the Service class will be accessible via the endpoint; each endpoint may expose a different set of methods. The endpoints also define a  /binding/ that specifies how a client will communicate with the service and the address where the endpoint is hosted.

WCF details
http://msdn.microsoft.com/en-us/

Thank you for the links.

When Robots Talk

the topic is likely to come around

to what's between them.

Clip: http://download.lavadomefive.com/members/

Monday, May 18, 2009

Book Progress

Hi Ed,

I am developing software for it.

See here.

Monday, May 18, 2009

Beneath Sadness

Hi support group,

Wave (1):
Live in the Now

(Honesty, sharing of emotions with wife)

Measurement: Wife
 

a) Weekly index of how relationship feels to me I notice that sharing Now emotions, has really cut the nonsense out my marriage. However I also notice that I still have much sadness to share. I notice that my wife is no longer sharing fear, but is moving to anger. I somehow like this better. I suspect  someone else's sadness (read mother / wife) is something I have been medicating for awhile.

                                                           
b) I’m staying in the emotional Now when sharing feelings I tell my wife many times she is perfect as she is. I notice that she appreciates this.
 

c) Schedule Consistency Commitment (%). I notice that much of my anger with my father and others is disappearing as I accept myself as perfect and others as perfect. I have fear that perhaps this method is building weak boundaries (accepting people as perfect as they are). However I notice that I share feelings with boss about some boundary violations which improves workplace for me. (e.g. I don't want to debate politics with boss)-so perhaps not.

Wave (2) :

Live in the Now

(sharing of feelings when possible, no drama, no judgment)
 

Measurement:
I also notice that I am enjoying others much more in the workplace without this judgment.
 

Schedule: 30 min / week (as communication permits)
This is very significant to me. I am removing this control method (judging others / self) as much as possible. Accepting myself as perfect, while working on stuff seems to have muted much drama. Medicating "Imperfect self" feelings seems to be a big black hole for muting my life I enjoy the relationship for exactly what it is. I feel in the Now.
 

The consistency is not where I want it, but I believe not placing time limits on achievements is a big change. I also notice that I have done much work, but have avoided some commitments (e.g. I have completed TSP nearly 4 times on 4 different systems, mainly in for back testing system verification-including my own back testing system-but have never put together the final work).

Wave (3):

Build a great trading system. The main point is "NEARLY". I am now focusing on finishing all commitments.

Schedule: Roughly 20 hours / week cycle. I do not want to break any commitments as I feel this the root of my frustration.

Thank you for sharing your process.

Beneath the Sadness ...

You Might Find Anger.

Clips: http://www.ed2010.com/files/images/sad%20baby.thumbnail.jpg

http://cdn3.sbnation.com/imported_assets/121144/

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Pendulum Model

Ed,

Here's my Vensim PLE pendulum model.
My results match the graphs that appear on

the Dynamic Feedback System Models page.

I find the exercise of building the pendulum

model a great learning experience.

I recognize system dynamics and computer

simulations are excellent tools to analyze complex,

dynamic, counterintuitive system behaviors that are

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Welcome

Sunday, May 17, 2009
 

Rock Process.
 

Ed,

I have a problem with opening up, and even after several meetings I am still holding back. I feel more and more desperation, that I am wasting time, and I am not able to get the benefits of the process. I feel I need to get on the hot seat today

We have a new member, someone I have never

seen before. I am beginning to feel comfortable with

the old members, but the new one really throws me off, now I cannot get on the hot seat again, because I feel embarrassed to open up in front of a stranger.

Then the new member takes the hot seat: turns out I relate with everything he struggles with. It surprises me: now I do not have an excuse.

The Chief doubts that I am willing, he asks me repeatedly: he does not want to proceed and get into a game where I am resisting, we do not get anywhere. The most I can assure, is that I am willing to go ahead of the process. I do not believe that it works for me, but I want to try it, because I want changes in my life desperately.

We get into it, and I settle on an old memory: as a 6 year old, crying at night scared in my dark room, and being ignored by my parents, refusing to comfort me.

We create the role play: my mother fighting my father for being drunk, and my father getting angry and storming out from home into the rest of the night.

It is not perfect, but very close, and brings back the feelings of feeling scared and lonely to my surprise. These feelings I still have today. I deal with them by withdrawing, shutting down, getting depressed.

Now I am provided with new skills pressed into the new stone: Communicate feelings; Ask for feelings.
We try them in the role play: I will get into the middle of my parents' argument, and say that I am scared. I have to say it repeatedly, because they are so much involved in the argument, but eventually they stop screaming at each other, and they look confused, and thinking about what I say. They paying attention to me know, I feel like I am not invisible anymore. I ask them how they feel, and they talk about how upset they are, and immediately calm down.

I feel very tired after the process.

The next day driving back to the airport from the hotel, I feel unusually peaceful: it is a beautiful day, and my senses are sharp: I am in the present, there is no haunting thoughts heavily bearing down on my mind.

Two days later at work: there is this guy, I am terrified of, because he is always angry, and he is influential, he can get me into trouble if he wants to. Generally he is malicious; Not many people like him.

I always feel a knot in my stomach, and a shiver in my spine whenever I see him. Sometimes he does not even return my hello, that makes me feel more afraid.

He is sitting at the desk this morning visibly angry, b****ing about something to some colleague.
I just walk up to him, and say: "Hi,  you seem really pissed off, what is going on?" He looks at me surprised, this was the most I have said to him the last 4 years. He starts: "You know, these idiots..., they do not know how to make the schedule, it happens again and again, and it really pisses me off", then he gets uncomfortable, now being aware of his drama, and starts whining funny in a high pitched voice:..."Yes they piss me off all the time, I am so pissed..." then he starts laughing, and say to me :"Please do not make me make fun of myself" now we are both laughing, I say: "At least you can joke about it, looks like you feel better."

So a connection is made with this b------ the first time in my life, and I feel relaxed immediately. I still know that he is no good, but it does not bother me now. I am not afraid. Just because me asking about his feelings. Maybe I lose the judgment too at one point about him. Is he a b------ after all, or just a confused human being, like any of us, using anger coping with whatever issue he has?

I am looking forward to experiencing life with my

Thank you for sharing your process.

Lions and Lambs can Cooperate

if both are willing.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

New Book

Chief Ed,

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Filing the Waves

Dear Support Group:

I create a file with all the Big Waves.

I commit to support. Also create 2 lists, one for my

support team and another one for the people I support.  I now have an easy way to track progress for my group.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Following Up

Dear support team,

I have lots of excuses for not following up with

my Big Wave. My BW is to contribute, to be a

"Man for Others". As part of that BW, I commit at the

Reno Workshop to really follow up with those I support. My unwillingness disappears, I re-commit to following up.

Thank you for your support.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Some Call it Magic..

Dear Ed,
 

I sit at my computer keyboard for almost 2 days

debugging a trading system. My efforts do not result in success. An inscrutable bug prevents the system from executing trades on indicator signals.

You call. We talk. I hang up. I go back to debugging

and make one more little change. The system works! Beautifully! This is magic.
 

Thank you for sharing your process.

Any Technology That You Do Not Understand

may appear to be magic.

Clip: http://www.richardnunemaker.com/images/

Saturday, May 16, 2009

Friday, May 15, 2009
 

What is Self?

Dear Ed,

Thank you for sharing your process.  You might consider taking your feelings about <having to do something else first> to Tribe.

A Semaphore

can give you something else to do.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Control and Anger

Ed,

Today my Tribe meets for the first time since the workshop. I do not know which effect the experiences in Reno will have on my interactions with my Tribe. Today we are only two members, (A) and me. (A) takes the hot seat first. I am tired, I drunk too much tea and am excited, and I am fast in a light trance. As I start managing the process, I feel uneasy. I behave differently: I talk with a soft voice, I smile and laugh, I encourage (A) to show his forms and do

not push him at all. I just enjoy the process and (A)
being the way he is. It is weird: I do not control the

process at all, I just experience it, and I do not

even decide to give up control! I feel as if something changed and I am acting automatically in a different way.

“A” works on “I want to be a charismatic person”.

He develops several forms, and I smile and enjoy him and encourage him to show some more. No drums, no shouting, no applauding, nothing, just, me receiving and accepting him.

He mentions that people do not esteem him. He avoids attracting people, because they make him angry. I encourage him to show anger, and he gets really angry at the furniture and at the floor.

I suggest him to get mad at me while he looks at me in my eyes, and he experiences real wrath. I never saw this calm young man acting in this way before.

After several outbursts of wrath he experiences deep sadness. His process reminds me of my own hot seat in Reno. He remembers an episode in his childhood where he experiences wrath, and his reaction leads people to look at him without esteem. I encourage him to experience wrath several more times, and at the end he is in a state of bliss.

By the check out I mention that I lead this process

in a different way: I do not lead it at all, the process

leads itself. But I also do not feel the feelings of

(A) in my own body, the tension and the release of tension, as usual. I mention that I am not certain about the results of the new approach. (A) says that it was one of his most intense hot seats, and that he can enjoy wrath now. Well, it seems to work!

I take the next hot seat and (A) manages. My issue is “I do not set a stop and had a huge loss”. The issue is complex and consists of several forms: I
check the markets and feel very uneasy (rubbing my eyes), I enter a position and place a stop (covering my eyes and crying).

Placing stops feels terrible. (A) prompts me to increase the form, and I start repeating “I do not deserve it!”. We repeat the cycle some times, until I enjoy the forms. I see my mother slapping me at my face (very like the rock process during the Reno workshop). I think “I do not deserve it!” and start crying.

(A) keeps encouraging me, but somehow his voice irritates me. I need some silence. I show him the palm of my open hand, signaling that I want to cry alone. He does not talk anymore and I feel despair: the feeling is “my mother does not love me”. I fall to the floor and cry in deep sadness. I realize that my mother loves me, of course she does! And that she was terribly stressed, she only did not know how to act, she learnt to hit from her mother. I can enjoy the feeling and smile.

It takes me some minutes to recover. By the check out (A) is very, very angry. He mentions that he is experiencing wrath (a new resource). He read the FAQ with my postings after Reno; he feels that I try to control my own process: I show him my palm three times, but I remember doing it only once. He continues that everything that I do to explain is just a rationalization of my unwillingness to give up control: after he stops encouraging me, I carry out the last stages of the hot seat as a DIM process.

He mentions that he is willing to manage my processes, but that the next time that I try to stop him, he will just ignore me and carry on.

I listen to him with attention. I don't know if he is right, but I acknowledge his wrath. I feel that the process has just begun, and that we both are in the middle of it. I don't want to stop here! I propose him to take a short break and to manage my issue

“I cannot give up control”. He agrees.

We re-start. I re-start rubbing my eyes. He prompts

me to give up control, and I do. It feels horrible.

It feels like being physically abused. I start crying. He suggests that I can stop him, if I will, or not stop him, but anyway he will carry on. I feel despair:  I can do anything that I will, and he will carry on! And then I see my father hitting me with his belt. He did
it maybe once or twice in my life. He was definitely not abusive.  But I can do anything that I want and he will hit me anyway! It is horrible. I break down.

(A) keeps encouraging me. He encourages me to cry more and to feel more sadness / despair. That is something that I as process manager do not do: when people start crying after a form, I let them cry and do not suggest them to increase the crying. I just let the feeling pour out. But he has just another style. I keep on crying until I realize that my father

cannot hit me anymore (he passed by 10 years ago). I love my father, and he loved me. I feel released and can smile while feeling sadness. I show him my hand, my other hand, my feet and shout at him “Stop, stop at once!”. We both laugh. Now, not controlling the situation is laughable.

I am still worried about me managing processes. I am not certain about the results of a process, if I do not control what is happening. But then I realize: Processes happen, nobody needs to control them. If the sender and the manager are committed and willing and agree to have a result, well, then results are unavoidable.

By the final check out (A) mentions his admiration

for my willingness of working ad hoc on the issue

 “I give up control” as he mentions it. He is also surprised that his new resource “wrath” appears and helps him to show me the right path. He also mentions that this time managing a process was much easier for him, he feels free to do it and not “controlled” by me.

During all this time I wanted to control the processes,

not knowing if my fellow Tribesmen and women are able to do it without my support. Now, I realize that (A) is a very capable and skilled, very strong process manager who just does thing a little bit different than I do. I have, as always, to sleep a couple of times until the feelings seed.

Thank you for sharing your process.

Control-centric people ...

... and anger-centric people

may find themselves

to be a perfect chemical match.

Clips: http://www.tampabay.com/multimedia/archive/

00028/b4s_genhood062108_28075d.jpg

http://www.diamondtraining.org.uk/images/

Friday, May 15, 2009
 

The River of Gold

Dear Ed;

I had a picture, which I am using to work towards a Rocks / Hotseat process. I'm taking notes on feelings useful trigger words to help me with the process.

Here is a bit of the picture:

As I was returning from [State] from the hospital, crossing over the State line, glad to be getting home, I had a strong vision of being near a lake of gold. Then I saw myself, sitting on a rock in the middle of a mountain stream, a torrent of gold. So my hot seat issue would be- why the h--- can't I get off that comfortable rock and into the current of gold , which is all around me? Why am I sitting on a big rock in the middle of a stream of gold, and not splashing my way downstream to the lake?
 

That's my thought. With your permission I would like

to attend the final three tribe meeting. I am really

sorry to have missed so much.

Also, I just added you to my Report List.

Thank you for sharing your vision.

You might consider noticing the date of your vision on the gold chart.

Sometimes Gold Flows Down River

and sometimes up.

Clip: http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3268/

Friday, May 15, 2009

Thank you for worrying.

The Positive Intention of Worry

is to get it right.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Portfolio Re-balancing

Thanks Ed.

I intend to work on this and report back when I have some results.

****

This is to follow up on your Portfolio Re-balancing

Project. Your approach seems sound.
 

*****

I recall calling you early March regarding your suggestion for a new research project, namely Portfolio Rebalancing.

My notes show you making the following point: contrary to popular belief Portfolio Rebalancing may actually damage portfolio performance as it reduces winning positions and increases losing ones.

You suggest simulating portfolio rebalancing by randomly selecting 100 stocks, allocating starting equity evenly to each one, rebalancing every 3 months to maintain equal equity amounts in each stock, and comparing the results to the same portfolio without rebalancing.

You suggest running a simple trend following system

on the stocks, I suggest, instead, simply buying the

 randomly selected stocks as it removes one variable

from the test (the system). You are happy with this.

I am creating a plan for this project:

I intend to use a $10,000,000 starting account size,

dividing this into 100 lots of $100,000 each. To measure the portfolio performance I intend to look at the compound annual return, maximum drawdown, and some measures of bliss, possibly Sharpe and your Lake Ratio.

I suspect the results may vary between tests, due to

the following factors:

1. Different stock selections.
2. Different market conditions.
3. Different rebalancing intervals.

I intend to take a number of trials and examine the

average values of the results to reduce the randomness associated with different stocks in each trial.

I intend to look at results over different time periods to see what effect different market conditions have.

I intend to look at different rebalancing intervals only

Thank you for sharing your project.

When the Teeter-Totter

is in perfect balance,

it stops moving.

Clip: http://www.hendricksmn.com/hendricks_mn/

Friday, May 15, 2009
 

Support Tree

Hello All,

To report my process tree for creating additional

support in my big wave:

Process: Create additional support for mastering

right livelihood. Build and participate in Tribe process.
 

Commitment: I commit 30 minutes per day until

additional non DIM support is in place.
 

Support: My TTP support group and my trading

group.
 

Measurement:
Time log.
 

Competed additions of support as a line items in

my big wave
 

I have two initial items that members of this group

might be able to provide direct help.
 

1) locate/create a local TTP tribe. There are two

[City] tribes listed in the directory, but I have

been unable to contact either of them. I'm wondering

if anyone has any information about them, or if

anyone is interesting is helping me set up a new local tribe.
 

2) I wonder if professional services might include

meeting with my current trading group to assist us

You might consider re-writing your contribution - and getting help / feedback from some of your friends who are proficient with English.

Strunk and White

Friday, May 15, 2009

Wants to Purchase from Chile

Hello,

I accept PayPal or you can mail a money order.  See the website for more information.

http://www.seykota.com/tribe/

Book/Order/index.htm

Friday, May 15, 2009
 

Family

Dear TTP Supporters.

Thank you for supporting me in my Big Wave.
Thank ED very much to be a role model and e

 true Chief. I'm sending one picture with my

daughter (Brown eyes) and my niece (blue eyes)

.

Friday, May 15, 2009
 

Book Arrival

I thank you for mailing TT book pronto, I get it today. I read some parts of it, I feel and learn. I also feel surprised you don't autograph it. I hope there is no deep meaning to not signing the book. I am afraid of depth ;-).

It seems I have to travel to there from here to get you to sign the book.

I am doing that.

Thank you for your note.

Travel is a Good Way

to get from now to now.

Thursday, May 14, 2009
 

My Tsunami is going another way...

Hello All. Thank you for your support.

I delayed my first newsletter while clarifying my

big wave. You committed to supporting me in "Continued exponential growth in my trading group." Upon returning from Reno I've been experiencing a bifurcation or major "AHA". My trading group is succeeding and I'm grateful to have partners that are committed to a Grow-Grow partnership. We have a well defined process in place with strong support and

measurement tools. I wonder if changing my process to be more specific to my personal growth contains more volume. Therefore, I broadened the scope of my big wave.

To master genuine/right/authentic livelihood.

Commitment:
Direct commitment = 3 hours per day participating,

creating, studying TTP and TTP type process that

promote Right Livelihood. Indirect commitment = Conscientious awareness throughout the entire day of my behaviors.

Support:
My current trading partners. My TTP workshop support group. I Commit to a process tree for creating additional support.

Measurement:
Build a time management log to plot time commitments for this as well as other processes.
Create a "google calendar" to share with each support group to display and monitor commitments / progress. I Commit to a process tree for additional measurement tools.

Anyone who signed on to support me due to the trading nature of my original wave that is no longer willing to support this wave, thank you for your original support. For those who are stilling willing to support me in mastering Right Livelihood, Thank you for your support.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Demanding Bosses

See Previous
 

Thank you for reading and answering.
Actually they demanded that I cover my

Thank you for sharing your process.

You Usually have Options

about how to respond

to a demand.

Clip: http://bakersfield.mybrighthouse.com/uploadedImages/

Thursday, May 14, 2009
 

New Bugs Found...

Ed,

Wikipedia provides a list of some unusual software bugs:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/

Thank you for the link.

If you Like a Bug

it becomes a feature.

clip: http://www.transbuddha.com/images/uploads/

Thursday, May 14, 2009

I prepare to attend the IVTT tribe for the first time.

I feel very anxious and worried about the “HOT SEAT”. I spend the afternoon prior to the tribe meeting reviewing some notes from the 2007 workshop and contemplating what I feel.

I review self-sabotaging actions in my trading and life. In summary, before the tribe meeting, I note that I feel afraid and over-confident all at the same time, there seems to be something inside that seems to want to defy the trend rather than going with the flow, there is a cycle of getting rid of profits or simply not being able to hold positive trades to their fruition which equals 2nd guessing.

I make a note that I remember feeling that making money and “money” in general was more important than me growing up and my father was mostly absent. I note I resent the over-control of my parents growing up and them giving something then not allowing me to have ownership. In my mind I relate it closely to a “computer virus” that keeps running at certain trigger points in my life whether it is trading related or life in general. I remember and note a quote from FAQ’s from Yoda … do or do not, do not try - which is an encouragement to move into the process of facing these issues.

Regardless of trading I have a desire to change these patterns which will benefit myself and my relationships with my family and friends.

I arrive at the tribe meeting and meet everyone

which is very enjoyable.

We begin the tribe meeting with check-in and each person shares how they feel and a little about what is going on in their life currently. It is encouraging to hear that so many of the issues each of us face are very similar. It is my turn and I feel very anxious about sharing.

I share that I feel basically worthless. I seem to give back profits in trading and perhaps feel I must

not deserve anything positive. I am questioned about my “commitment level” and various tribe members comment about my willingness leve - a tribe member comments that it sounds forced and I respond that I feel that it is coming from within forced because my anxiety level is so high.

I am terrified of public speaking and heights. They seem to invoke the same reaction. Ed questions my willingness to tackle these issues and my commitment that if we embark on a Hot Seat that I will complete the process even though it can be excruciating at times. I assure Ed that I am

committed. In my mind I hear the words ringing out

Do or Do Not, Do not try and I am committed to jumping into the abyss and I can’t see the bottom of the cliff. I also recall a song that is encouraging I’m Yours by Jason Mraz and the lyrics says "I’ll be giving it my best now, Nothing’s going to stop me but divine intervention, I reckon it’s again my turn to win some or learn some, I won’t hesitate no more, no, more It cannot wait, I’m Yours"

Clip:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LYhrYHmUPn0 .

I respond to Ed motioning with my right hand about these feelings and Ed asks me to begin doing that more…moving my hand back and forth and repeating “I feel worthless” which is what basically came out at the end of my sharing my feelings. I begin moving my hand and arm back and worth and others pick up on other forms…moving my other hand back and forth no my leg, moving my head side to side, and my facial expression that was stressed. I feel myself moving towards constant motion and I hear other encouragement to keep going and crank it up…I keep going…I soon find myself almost in a complete

spasm and the experience feels very intense. I keep going.

I hear voices all around encouraging me to go for it and crank it up…and then I hear Ed say crank it up more and tighten it up…I feel every fiber of my being giving every ounce of emotion and fight to increase the intensity…at the peak of intensity and at utter exhaustion I hear Ed say now freeze it there.

I feel at some point my usual “control” left my mind disconnected…perhaps like treading water until

there is no physical stamina left to stay above water and I stopped struggling.

After Ed said freeze it there it was as if I had given up while swimming and now I was breathing underwater…I was present but not in the same state. Ed asks me to recall an incident from my childhood…any incident. I pause…my mind seems blank for a moment…the next thought.

I recall when I was 14 years old or so and at that moment my father is on top of me…we have just gone through lots of furniture, things breaking and his hands are around my neck and then he is swinging at me. It is as I am in the very room again and I can see the situation play out. I had made a smart comment to my father and his response was immediate and forceful.

I verbalize what is going on and Ed asks who else is there and what are they doing. In the middle of recalling this incident my mind goes further back to 1975 and my father and I are watching Ali vs. Frazier, the thrilla in Manilla…I am 9 years old. We watch the fight and after the fight we put on the Everlast Boxing gloves.

I am in the room and remember who was there and the surroundings. We begin boxing with the gloves and I got a little too rough for my father…he responds by laying me out and then I am on the ground hurt and beaten.

My mother comes in hysterical and is berating my

 father because he can never leave it at that and

 “someone always has to get hurt” and I remember

that this seems to be a recurring event. I describe

the others in the room and how my mother reacts

in the situation…how my sister reacts. I stay in this

state…remaining in this room from my past while I listen to my surroundings. I describe how my mother

responds to my father about the incident and how

she has always resented his fighting and his conflicts

with others. I recall that this has been ongoing much

 before me being 9 years old.

Ed asks about my relationship with my father, my mother, my sister and is this pattern repeated…I describe from as far back as I remember that my mother had talked to me about problems with my father and there was always a deep resentment that he was abusive and was involved with “fighting”. I am not sure how it comes out that the rock I am carrying is to fight for my mother…in the process I have an “aha” experience of seeing how this rock has affected all of my relationships and I see clearly the tendency to “fight” in some fashion the prevailing authority or the market. I come out of the past and we recreate this scenario and I have an opportunity to see how the rock is passed and ultimately when the scenario is recreated I refuse the rock from my family of origin. The pattern of behavior that presented in my life was to

1. Tease or pick a fight with the authority (in the current market environment I asked if anyone did not notice the “bull horns sticking out my back)

2. After getting smacked by the authority the process

was to shut down or go unconscious in some respect

3. If overwhelmed to simply stay down. The tribal process was able to implement a new rock…a new process, new script of relating when faced with these

dynamics…the new rock gave me several much more

constructive options

1. Don’t tease or fight with your Dad

2. Ask my mother how she feels and listen to her feelings without engaging in the offer to “fight dad for her”

3. Tell my father how I feel…share my feelings with

all involved

4. a 5% solution to be used is to stay down if overwhelmed or to simply “get out of the way or run if in danger” or play dead…

5. Be purposefully patient, which is to stay fully focused, awake and alert and to wait for the right opportunity to pursue a course of action

6. Be open minded…be ever alert to new creative ideas.

We rehearsed the responses and implemented the

new rock and I received it.

It was a very supportive process and I felt so much

support from my tribe members. I return home and

Thank you for sharing your process.

Ali - Frazier

Some fights can leave scars

thousands of miles away.

clip: http://img.nytstore.com/IMAGES/

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Journey of Self Discovery

Dear Ed,

It was a dream come true when I heard your voice last night during the Tribe Meet in [Country]. I was the guest in that meeting. I hold you in very high esteem for your remarkable service towards people whom you have never met, yet helping them mature & develop as better individuals, both on the personal and professional front. It is rightly said that distances that are separated by miles are bound together by thoughts.

There are three types of men,

(a) those who have money but no heart,

(b) those who have heart but no money, and lastly, (c) those who have both.

It is the rarest of rare gift of God to fall in the last category as that requires compassion, wisdom, enlightenment & money of course : ) wherein we hold grudge towards none, and that I can see in you from the bottom of my heart.

I am not a very active trader though but I am working on my system that is a trend following one,

wherein no predictions are permitted & with clear & precise rules. I will definitely share my development on this with you and seek your advice and guidance on the same. I remember a nice saying” Trading is a journey of self-discovery.” It appears to sound so true.

Thanks again for being a fountainhead of inspiration,

because in this world that is turning more and more

materialistic every moment, men like you are a treasure to be cherished & revered.

Thank you for your support.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Progress

Hi Ed,

It is only in recent years (particularly through TTP) that I appreciate the essence of being held accountable and taking personal responsibility, so I like the emphasis on measuring progress in Big
Wave.

I have a question: is setback also "progress"?

Progress seems to have an implicit "positive" connotation (by positive I mean moving towards). From dictionary, its various definitions are: a movement toward a goal, advancement in general,

and growth or development.

So when I am measuring "progress", for example,

say if I use my PNL curve as an objective measurement on how I am "progressing" as a trader, then are drawdown also "progress"?

It seems that, especially if I am trading strategies with positive skewness, then I likely encounter plenty of drawdown, and I am unsure if they are "progress." Presumably I have some snapshot in mind

that I prefer (e.g. a statement showing exponential growth in my trading account), and if progress is when we are "moving towards" that snapshot, then as an objective measurement, doesn't drawdown move us away? But drawdown seems to be a natural part of trend-trading, or any trading in general. The longer we trade, the bigger we can expect the maximum drawdown for any strategy be (up toward that uncle point where the trader is forced to shut down the strategy).

I wonder if I view progress as "movement towards

a goal" (as the dictionary suggest), and if drawdown

moves me away, then by having emphasizing on

 measuring progress it may encourage me to avoid

drawdowns, which seems impossible and may

I wonder how you define progress.

When You Stop Measuring Progress

in terms of things

and when you start measuring progress

in terms of staying in the now,

you are making some progress.

clip: http://laelaps.files.wordpress.com/2007/

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Blue Buckets

Ed,

I enter a position (stock option). I place a “mental” stop. The market runs against me and the price hits the stop. But since the stock is oversold, I decide to wait for a recovery. The stock falls further and the instrument is knocked out. In short: instead of the maximal programmed loss of 2%, I lose almost 6%.

I think about my feelings: I am REALLY FURIOUS!

How did I not place real stops! It is STUPID! But since

Reno I enjoy being furious. I am really mad about it,

but I enjoy the feeling. I laugh while I repeat  “I am furious, I am furious”. I have a vague memory of a little blue bucket. What does it mean?

I place stops in all other open positions. No “mental stops”.

The next morning I check the market. I wonder if

I have a loss, and how huge it is. I experience the

usual feelings of fear and anxiety. However, I remember that I placed stops the day before. All open positions are in +, and I cannot have a loss. I realize that I do not have to be afraid or anxious. I feel an overwhelming sadness. I close the door of my office, knowing what is going to happen.

The sadness grows. I deliberately think again about this: “I have placed stops; I am not going to lose money”. I start crying and cry for minutes. I cannot and will not stop crying. As the tears recede, I experience joy. I reproduce the cycle some times: I look at the screen - I have stops in place – I do not loss money – I am very sad and cry – I enjoy the feeling.

After some cycles I remember playing with a blue bucket at the seaside. I am maybe 4 or 5 years old. I let the bucket go with the waves and hold it again. I thought that I can control it, but the waves wash it away. I look for it in despair. It is gone. I cannot find it anymore. Aha.

The last time I look at the screen, it is +14% and all

Thank you for sharing your process.

I wonder how you know when something is oversold.

Losing Your Bucket

is not the same

as letting it go.

clip: http://image40.webshots.com/41/3/39/55/

Wednesday, May 13, 2009
 

Namaste

Respected Guruji,
 

Namaste. I bow my head to you and seek your

blessings.
 

Thank You Guruji very much for speaking to us yesterday and the enlightening kind magical words. I am in state of trance and high.

I ponder over how can I use the TTP in my personal life and interaction with people. I commit to being a good receiver, to never judge and label, to not use words like why or should & test the willingness to interact on a feelings level. I have confidence that the TTP will make a huge difference to my personal life just as it does to my professional life.

Thank you for sharing your process.

Namaste

Clip: http://k53.pbase.com/u20/mreichel/large/

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Thank you

Dear Chief Ed,

It is indeed a pleasure speaking with you from our tribe leader office.

Your continual guidance is an invaluable resource for each of us - and we continue to follow the tenets of TTP in our daily lives.

Thank you for the pro-active response of communicating on a feelings level for attaining intimacy in situations where control and associated drama are appearing.. I will implement the test for willingness when similar incidents manifest in all my relationships.

Just after the phone call - a tribe member and me

role-play a situation where an argument is developing. I gently test my colleague for willingness to communicate on a feelings level, and initially notice some confusion on his face; gradually he seems to get less engaging and I observe his facial features tend to soften, indicating his willingness to communicate on a different plane. The tension dissipates.

Thank you for sharing your process.

Intimacy and Effectiveness

rest on mutual willingness.

Clip: http://www.thephoenixinstitutetransformyourlife.org/

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Transatlantic Trading

Dear Ed,

Somehow your comment below has provoked me to

send this "stream of information" to you. But I

suspect some positive things will emerge from it.

"I wonder if you feel your stock selection method and

your entry, position sizing and exits are all on back-test automatic"

If you go through the trades I have been sending you, you can see how effective and profitable my trading is, ( at least 3 of them have made 35%+ in just a few days)

E.g.
CREO.L long at 212 sold at 315p
CWP.L long at 84p sold at 127p
JPR.L short at 32.75 now trading at 19.25p ( One day later )

You can open a CFD (contracts for difference) account

here in UK, which allows geared trading of stocks long

and short and appoint me power of attorney to execute these trades for you.

I suggest a £12,500 experimental account comprised of £10,000 from you, and £2,500 from me, in the unlikely event that the value drops to £10,000 or less then we can end the experiment and you will get your £10,000 back in full.

(Basically I am giving you a guarantee of zero loss, for the reasons of showing my good intentions, and proving to you that I am a competent trader)

I will not charge you any fees on profits I make for you during this experiment. This trial can be done until you are convinced that you feel comfortable with me trading funds for you, up to a maximum

of 1 year.Once a pre-agreed percentage gain has been achieved on the account ( I suggest 100% ) then we can talk again about setting up a larger pool to trade.

I am only interested in trading funds for you personally.

If you decide you can trust me to trade funds for you after the experiment, then I can get SFA regulated if required and will require a 33% performance fee, with no management fee.

If you want me to stop sending my trades, just tell me and I will stop sending them, but I suggest you monitor them for a while to see the performance.

You might consider putting your track record in standard form, including your MAR, from an actual account.

Somethings Work Better

when you follow the standard rules.

Clip: http://www.ohiodentalclinics.com/curricula/operations/

Wednesday, May 13, 2009
 

Moral of the Story

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor.

When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She said, 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you £500.'

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested. Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and Jim didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's

house at 2 p.m. sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of £500 - they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bob came home

from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked his wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this
afternoon?' With a lump in her throat Sue answered

'Why yes, he did stop by for a few minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
husband curtly asked, 'And did he give you £500?'
Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes,

in fact he did give me £500.'

Bob, with a relieved, satisfied look on his face ,

surprised his wife by saying, 'He came by the

office this morning and borrowed £500 from me.
He promised he'd stop by our house this afternoon

on his way home and pay the money back..'
 

As applied to the current financial crisis, the

Thank you for the yarn.

Poker

can be an exercise

in risk control.

Clip:  http://www.thedailygreen.com/cm/

Tuesday, May 12, 2009
 

The Final Turn Home

Dear Tribe;
 

My husband and I have FINALLY returned home.

What started out as a two-day check-up turned into four operations, and two weeks in San Jose.

The doctor declared him the, "The Most Difficult Case of My Career".

I still can't believe I'm home. I will be plowing

through the mail and be getting back to you.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009
 

Watch the Wave

Dear TTP Big Wave Support Team:

This is to report my progress and commitment

to my Big Wave.

First thank you for volunteering to support my

Big Wave.

- I had a dinner with my wife and daughter last Friday. Wednesday we have (had) a kid’s party that we went together. This Sunday we go in my building and we play together (Me, my wife and my daughter.)

My daughter was riding bicycle, I was running and

my wife was playing around with us. It’s amazing.

I don’t remember once we play together. Thank you.

The relationship between us is improving every day.

Thank you for supporting me.

- I had three signals with my system that I followed

without any hesitation. Thank you.

- I continued suffering pressure from my bosses to cover my profitable position. They had a very bad week and they can’t stand a very small position for them being so profitable. We had a discussion about my position and I said: “I’m sorry. I can’t reduce my position. I have committed that I follow my system happen what happen and with (you) my Big Wave supporters.

Next day I’m alone with one of my bosses (I have four) and we start to have a conversation about the discussion that I had with other two bosses one day before. I start to cry and say. “I can’t reduce my position. I follow my system. My system is very good”. He says: “if I were you I would decrease your

position to lighten up the climate here”. I cover

half of my position. I’m sorry supporters. I don’t

need to tell you that the market is below my price (I’m short).

- I decide to add one item in my big wave.

- I have a wonderful relationship with my bosses.

The good part is one of my bosses is calling me

“Little Seykota”. I say it’s a honor be called “Little Seykota”.

Thank you for supporting me and improve my Big Wave.

My Big Wave is
- Stick to my system
- I have a wonderful relationship with my wife and daughter
- I accept the others the way they are.
- I have a wonderful relationship with my bosses.

Support:
You (being one of the important person) I'm my support team.
My tribe
My family

Measurement:
- I commit to send a spreadsheet every two weeks

contains the trades generate by my system and the execution.

- I have a dinner with my family every Wednesday

Thank you for sharing your process.

Family: The Essential Tribe

Clip: http://wwwdelivery.superstock.com/WI/223/1647/

Tuesday, May 12, 2009 9:45 AM

Essentially the Essential Card

Hello,

I followed the instructions to get the Trading

tribe Essential card, I sent the letter last week

and I did not receive it yet.

I was wondering if there was any problem with the

You might consider taking your feelings about <waiting> to Tribe.

Impatience

is the unwillingness to

experience the feeling of waiting.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Is Intention = Goal?

Ed,

In the equation intention = result, is it as well true

that goal = result?

What is (are) the difference (s) between

"Intention" and "Goal"??

A goal is a value, against which to measure a level in order to set a rate.

The result is the set of all system properties over the course of a run.

See the Milk Model.

The Goal is an Element in the Game

It is not the structure (intention).

It is not the behavior (result).

Clip: http://www.norwichathletics.com/images/

Monday, May 11, 2009

Die-et Support

Ed,

After my return from Reno I intentionally stopped my

weekly calls to support you in your quest for fitness and weight reduction, since I do not want to control you. However, yesterday I received an email from an

acquaintance reminding me of my commitment to

send a weekly email with my report (it was 2 days too late).  I realize how important his support and his, yes, control are.

Hence, if you consider it good, I can re-start calling you weekly to ask about your exercise and diet. Just let me know.

I keep on supporting you.

Thank you for your support.

Monday, May 11, 2009

Tribes in Chile

Welcome

Santiago

Monday, May 11, 2009

To live without a forecast...

Dear All,

Thank you for your support and feedback.

As a result of comments I intend to omit forecast hours and variance from my time log. This is goal seeking and involves negative feedback.

I intend to spend as much of my free time as I can on my Big Wave each week. I also intend to work on

clarifying my measurement on growth in relationships.

Thank you for your comments. Health includes going

to the gym (early in the am) and nutrition –

eating at home with my wife.

I like your suggestion of doing a weekly activity with my wife and aim to implement it.

I am fine with you or anyone else modifying the spreadsheet according to their Big Wave. I am also open to feedback or thoughts on how to improve this for the benefit of all.

Thank you for the encouragement.

Monday, May 11, 2009

WinMerge

Ed,

Here's a great software tool for file comparison,

Monday, May 11, 2009

Can't Strangers Be Nice Anymore?

Dear Support Team,

Here is my first Big Wave report. (See the end of this email for a description of my Big Wave)

Schedule & Measurement Report

1) Spend 10 hrs per 2 weeks on meeting & talking to

strangers, or talking to people I usually only email.
 

Report: I spend 3hrs 10min actually talking to people, and I spend another 7hrs 30min on setting myself up to meet people, by purposefully leaving home instead of staying in.

2) Have 14 occasions per 2 weeks of starting a conversation with strangers, or with vaguely familiar people, or being brushed off, told off, or rejected
 

Report: I actually have 23 such occasions. Eight in my

neighborhood (elevator, street, pool, boardwalk, beach), five while going out (bars & restaurants) and ten times I call someone I normally would not call. On one occasion I am told off for exploiting an bureaucratic error.

Feelings, AHAs & Receiving Report

1. Feeling & AHA

I notice feelings of discomfort and revulsion every morning, because I plan to make a daily business call to somebody I don’t know. It feels a bit like being strangled, as if no words can be spoken. Once I am at work the feeling gets less.

When I actually make the call, the feeling is gone and I don’t feel much. (Note: as a market maker before 1997, I worked the phones many hours a day. Since 1997 I am living on my self-created, uninhabited island.)

I tape-record one call to a fund administrator in the British VI. When I listen the recording back, I notice something: Whereas I reply to the other person instantaneously when he stops talking, he waits a few seconds with his replies to me, as if to think of an answer. I wonder why I don’t do the same, instead of already thinking of an answer when the other person still speaks, thereby missing parts of what is being said… It’s so plain an simple that I wonder why I haven’t noticed this before. I feel a bit embarrassed to report to you that this is an AHA for me.

2 . Feeling & AHA

On Friday night I plan to go out on my own and I plan to actually talk to people. I feel fearful, sad and depressed about this. I don’t want to go, but my commitment to my Big Wave and to you, support team, makes me go anyway. At [bar] at 8pm I see three women at the pool bar. The thought of ordering a drink near them scares me and I want to go as far away as possible, so I walk to the back fence and look over it (there is nothing to see). I quickly

leave the place, feeling even more depressed. I go to [another bar], order a beer and watch the live band.

I feel a small, hard ball in my stomach that I have never felt before. In fact, I never feel much of anything in my stomach and I wonder what this is (a result of the Rocks process in Reno ?) Now I really feel sad and I go with that sad feeling, instead of trying to appear upbeat (as I usually do). I notice a slow surge in my confidence that keeps surging when the night progresses.

Later on I notice that by just feeling my sadness, is what makes me feel confident. HEY, That’s cool! Before I know it I am talking with people; four times on my initiative, twice on the initiative of someone else. I am not nervous or fearful at all. I do notice that the conversations are brief and that I have little to say, other than where are you from, etc. But I also notice people are unusually friendly to me tonight; smiles all around.

It brings back memories from 25 years ago, when I wasn’t so stuck socially. I go home elated. I wonder how come that I forgot how to socialize. The next couple of days I feel very confident and happy. And I have a big AHA: Faking how I feel makes me insecure, expressing how I feel (good or bad)

makes me confident.

3. Receiving.

Besides logging the conversations I initiate, I also log whether the other person and I are willing / able to receive during that conversation. I notice that on 8 of 23 conversations this is NOT the case, equally split between myself and the other person. I notice that I tend to be a poor receiver when engaging in a long phone conversation or in a conversation at a bar. I tend to have a pre-set idea of how a conversation should develop. As a result I don’t listen well and people sometimes walk out on me with an excuse. I also notice that small-talk with familiar faces in my neighborhood is sometimes not appreciated. Some people are just not interested and unwilling to receive.

Regarding conversations with my girlfriend: I notice that both of us are frequently unwilling to receive each other. We seem to dwell on small arguments. I tend to give free advice and then try to force my view onto her. She tends to become argumentative about a view she asked me for and subsequently doesn’t like...

4. General AHA

I notice a big improvement in my effectiveness, thanks to my commitment of reporting regularly to you, support team. It helps me do the things I usually avoid. I feel like I am on track again.

Thank you for your support!

Big Wave

The confidence to be spontaneous / myself

Schedule

I commit to spending 5 hours per week on meeting and talking to strangers, or people I normally only email. I commit to giving you bi-weekly updates on my progress, starting next Monday.

Support Team

You (Big Wave support team) & my girlfriend

Measurement

Beside the 5 hours of weekly conversation with strangers, I will also count the individual social interactions that I typically avoid.

My aim is to have 7 such occasions a week. These are:

* Starting a small-talk conversation with vaguely familiar faces (like the concierge, or a neighbor)

* Start a conversation with a total stranger

Thank you for sharing your process.

"Aha's" Always Occur

in the moment of now.

Monday, May 11, 2009
 

Next Workshop

Dear Mr. Seykota,

I've gone through the exercises on the website, and I'm currently working on the Road Maps booklets. I'm having a little trouble with them but I'm sure I'll be able to figure it out.

I'm just curious when is the next workshop? I just want to know how much time I have to complete all the course work. I'm not sure if you've gotten any of my other emails, but I hope all is well.

Monday, May 11, 2009
 

Intimacy Center and Intimacy Centered!

Dear All,

I send the weekly report on my Big Wave:

I give my wife and children a lot of joy and love,

and my relationship is intimacy-centered and not based on control.

In the first week after my return from the workshop I can recognize problems and how I use to control / manipulate / steal freedom from my wife and children. I also observe and report that it is hard work and I have to think a lot before acting or

saying something. I observe several changes in the way I relate to my wife and children. My wife mentions it several times and is very happy about the changes. It is a huge progress.

The week between May 3 and 10 I decide to observe if a more spontaneous approach works. It does not. I realize that I still have to develop automatic responses to several situations. Since my Tribe does not carry out the Rock process, I apply for a visit to IVTT on June 18.

Regarding my metrics:

Control or manipulation means:

You do what I want, you don't do what you want, I try to make an impression on you,  you are the way I want you to be.

1. I observe that I very seldom try to exert control on

friends or associates. Furthermore, it is easy to recognize if I am doing it.

2. I observe that, after realizing it, I exert much less

control on my children. However, it is difficult to differentiate between legitimate control (“it is time to sleep”) and excessive control. I also observe an increase in the intimacy with them in the last two weeks.

3. The most difficult area is the relationship with my wife.