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June 15 - 30, 2010
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Contributors Say
(Quotes from Ed in Red) |
Ed Says |
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Tuesday, June
29, 2010
Trading Two Losers
Ed,
Thank you very much for your answer on FAQ.
It's OK with me.
I understand that periodic alternation of losing system A and losing
system B, produce a positive return, because when you move from system A
to B, system A don't complete his negative expectation, so you keep,
system A profit, and move to system B, then when you have a profit in
system B, you move to system A, in order that system B don't complete
his negative expectation.
(that is the reason, or I didn't understand this paradox? )
But what, I don't understand is for example you have in the roulette:
expectation of −2.7%. if you bet red
and
a expectation is −2.7%. if you bet black
according to this paradox, if you change from bet red to black, you will
end making money?
How can I apply this theory to a 2 losings systems that have an
expectation of −X% ?
and if you have 2 wining system with an expectation of +X% periodic
alternation also work ?
Thank you very much for your help |
You might consider that the
optimal bet size for your system might be 0.0% |
|
Monday, June
28, 2010
Wants Clarification
Dear Sir,
I have read your interview in the Market Wizard and I really believe
what you said "Market gives me what I want".
I am going through your FAQ in your website and I am not
able to understand by what you have said "The Holy Grail turns out to be
a stopwatch".
Can you explain me what do you really mean by that Sir?
Eagerly waiting for your reply.
|
I wonder if you can identify
the item by date and title. |
|
Monday, June
28, 2010
Wants to Extend TSP
Hi Ed,
I see from the FAQ that there is an interest in extending the TSP. I
would love to be involved in a collaborative
effort extending the TSP. I have completed the exercises some time ago
and have submitted results and questions to
the TSP when it was active.
The optimizations I arrived at used static parameters for the EMA
crossover system (80 day slow and 40 day fast)
and a bet fraction of 0.005. The system would choose stocks with the
fastest moving 40 day EMA (highest derivative).
The system works well for me. I would like to extend the system to allow
for EMA crossovers and a bet fraction that
are specific to an instrument. I have run optimizations that took a few
months to complete running 24/7. After
burning up seven servers I have discovered that water cooling works
well.
The static parameter system I use works well, thus I have issues with
motivating me to seek out improvements.
I work well in a team environment but left on my own I tend to grow
interests in other distractions.
I am struggling with finding people to collaborate on extending the TSP.
One issue is in validating results. Finding
logic errors in ones own work are very difficult (system work until they
don't).
I have attended three Tribes in the southern USA and have currently
started a Tribe in my locale. Another challenge
I face is in finding members that are technically sophisticated to be
able to understand simple trend-following.
The TSP project is a great spring board I would enjoy in extending the
project. I do require feed back for
motivation -- a project manager or a tail twister. Any suggestions?
|
I am open to your ideas.
I wonder if you are willing to send me an outline of a chapter you might
like to prepare. |
|
Monday, June
28, 2010
Austin Tribe Feedback
I attend a tribe meeting in Austin. One member, a business owner, wants
to increase income. A suggestion to raise prices is discussed, he
resists the suggestion, citing the wish to provide good value, and not
overcharge. We discuss that clients should decide what they will pay,
according their perception of value. I see a larger issue here for me
around self worth and valuing one's own work.
Another member brings up an issue around resistance to taking risk. As
the tribe works through this, an issue of father acceptance is found. We
role play through a vivid child hood example, and discuss new ways to
handle perceived rejection. And Ed discusses that moderating risk taking
is likely appropriate at this
time for the applicable market.
|
Thank you for sharing your
process.
You might consider taking your feelings about <sharing your feelings> to
Tribe. |
|
Monday, June
28, 2010
Radial Momentum
Ed,
Thanks again for lunch and the demonstration of radial momentum and the
theory that goes with it. I find the computer simulation you show to be
extremely valuable and thought provoking. I appreciate the power that
comes with viewing situations in terms of systems and their dynamics
rather than simple cause and effect vectors.
|
Thank you for your
encouragement. |
|
Monday, June
28, 2010
Sharing Feelings
Hi Ed
I want to share what I believe is a moment of success in strive to
intimacy.
My eldest son and my daughter were arguing with each other.
I stop them. I ask them what is going on.
My daughter says that my son has hit her.
My son shouts "That's because you hit me"!
I realize that we need to share feelings.
I ask my daughter how she is feeling?
She doesn't say anything.
I try again, I ask her if she feels happy or sad.
She says "sad"
I ask my son how he is feeling. He says "I feel sad"
I say "I feel sad that both the children I love are fighting."
I ask, "How do you think we can all feel better?"
My daughter says "Say sorry?"
I say "Yes, lets try it."
My son says "Sorry Alyssa"
My daughter says "Sorry Tristan"
This seems to resolve the situation.
I feel amazed, I realize how really powerful sharing our feelings is in
creating intimacy and understanding.
|
Thank you for sharing
your process.
When you ask how to feel better than sad, you imply something
"worse" about feeling sad.
You might also consider asking them about what they think the benefit
(positive intention) is of feeling sad.

People With Judgments About Sadness
tend to lose things
Clip:
http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_yDOfMhAYFek
/SSnoT755jJI/AAAAAAAAAEE/
A7pamfUfIvw/s400/sad.png |
|
Monday, June
28, 2010
Screaming for Intimacy
This is the best recollection events last night.
My wife's folks are staying with us at the moment.
My wife arrives home.
I open the door for her and welcome her in. It is freezing cold outside.
She comes in. I notice the shoe shelf next to the door has moved
further away into the elements where the shoes may get wet.
I ask if she knows why the shoe shelf has moved. She says her dad must
have moved it.
I start to move it back to the usual place.
She goes inside and shuts the door because of the cold. My foot is in
the doorway.
One of my toes gets caught between the door and the doorframe.
I feel pain.
I shout something like "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?"
I roll around on the ground writhing in pain. I somehow know it isn't
all that bad. It is still painful.
My wife apologizes, I don't really hear this as I a writhe around on the
ground. I only recall this later.
I am still yelling and shouting. I can't recall what I said.
I am upset.
My wife gives me a cold compress for my toe.
I am upset that I am injured slightly, I am upset the door is closed in
my face while I am in the doorway.
I ask why she always closes the door in my face.
My wife doesn't receive my feeling and has taken on the role of
opponent.
My Mother-in-law joins in supporting her daughter.
This ramps up my explicative's and accusations as the drama unfolds.
I accuse my wife of not apologizing. She reminds me she has apologized.
I realize I just want her to acknowledge my feelings, I have somehow
created a situation where she is my opponent.
I am angry that the door is closed in my personal space.
My feelings receive no acknowledgment.
I get angrier still.
I feel my jaw clenching and a knot in my stomach.
My wife is now silent, and has walked away and is ignoring me.
I have nothing further to say and no one to say it to.
I go to the bedroom.
I try to feel the anger and ramp up the intensity as much as I can.
I go to bed.
I feel and hear my heart pounding in my ears.
I cannot sleep.
My wife comes in and goes to bed.
I realize that I am happy to have her near me even though I am still
really angry.
I feel more happy than angry.
I realize I need to acknowledge this feeling.
I say "I miss you"
She says "I can't hear."
I realize she can't hear as she has her ear plugs in (She sleeps with
earplugs to stop my snoring keeping her awake)
I say again "I miss you" much louder.
She is quiet and remains silent. I take the silence as confirmation that
she has heard me.
I wonder about how I can practice intimacy if my partner is unwilling to
receive.
I realize I need to concentrate on my feelings and I feel better for
sending anyway, regardless of whether there is someone receiving them or
not.
I go to sleep.
I wake up, it's a new day.
I feel much better but there is still a lingering silent treatment from
last night.
I know I should not focus on the past.
I make a conscious decision to stay in the now.
I say goodbye to everyone including my wife. I tell her "I love you" and
then I add "even if you don't want to receive my feelings"
I realize this is a big mistake, I am just trying to control her again.
I want to kick myself.
She says "I am still waiting for your apology."
I say "I don't know what I need to apologies for?"
She tells me to go to work and think about it.
I go to work.
I am happy that she is sending again.
I resolve to do my best to be a good receiver.
I come home.
We talk. She asks me to apologize.
I say I do not know what I have done to offend her.
She says I have completely over reacted.
She says I have a habit of giving an excessive responses to situations.
She says that all our friends and family think it is so.
She tells me it's not normal.
I try to receive her and not get drawn in.
I thank her for sharing her feelings.
She tells me not to say that, She says she finds it patronizing.
I explain my foot was closed in the door, it was painful and I screamed
and shouted from the pain.
I explain I was angry that the door was closed unnecessarily in my
personal space without any care whether I was there or not.
I say I think its normal for people to scream when they feel pain and
shout when they feel anger.
She says the extent to which I carried on with the shouting was
un-necessary and that I should have just get over it.
I explain that perhaps if she had just admitted that she had closed the
door in my personal space without disregard for my well being that I
would have calmed down sooner.
I explain that if she had received my feeling instead of denying them I
would have calmed down sooner.
She says that I somehow have a way of always turning the situation
around to make it look as if she is in the wrong.
I thank her for sharing her thoughts about the matter. (I didn't want to
say the word feelings again)
I come across your FAQ quote "telling someone to stop being angry
usually makes them angrier" and showed it to her.
I can't recall how things progressed from there.
Somehow the matter is resolved and everything is now back to normal, the
drama is over and we remain completely committed to each other.
I realize I have participated in a drama, I realize that I need to share
my feelings which I did.
I realize I have made some mistakes in asking "Why" and accusing and
blaming which is from the causal model.
I realize I should stray from the "I feel" language.
I wonder how I manage to create such a drama.
I want to move to a more intimacy centric relationship.
I realize that I am still trying to control her.
Looking back It seems I have engineered a situation where my wife's role
is to not receive and my role an attempt to control her in order to
send.
Ed, as usual I would appreciate your thoughts and point out were I am
going wrong in my journey down the road to intimacy. |
You might consider taking
your feelings about <wanting people to listen to you> to Tribe.

Some Kids Learn to Complain
in order to gain attention.
Some grow out of it
and some don't.
Clip:
http://coedmagazine.files.
wordpress.com/2009/07/child-
screaming-thumb.jpg |
|
Saturday, June
26, 2010
Radial Momentum
Dear Mr. Seykota,
I hope you are well with you today.
I am a post-graduate Structural Engineering student at the University of
..., and I have a few questions regarding the
applications the principle of conservation of Radial Momentum.
First of all, I would like say congratulations on developing your theory
and model to your satisfaction. Your website and papers have been a joy
to read over the years, and with my Engineering background I have
sympathized with your illuminating numerical modeling, and your
insistence of such model as counter-thesis. So, again: Bravo.
My questions are as follows:
1. In your website you provide the basic maths for and expanding cube
and expanding sphere, and the detailed mode for the Levitator Disk, and
hence the expanding ring model. I am interested in the details of an
expanding cone model: do you have any papers or information regarding
radial expansion in a cone which has not been published on your website
yet; and, if so, how may I be able to obtain access to them?
2. How would you predict the radial expansion effects on a cone that is
immersed in a fluid, say water, and rotated about the axis normal to
its circular base and coincident with its apex? You may first assume no
motivated axial flow - just rotation of the cone about its axis. Then
you may consider a motivated axial flow in addition to the cone's
rotation. How do would you describe the radial expansion effects in these
two cases?
I would be grateful to read your responses to these queries.
|
Thank you for your
encouragement.
1. The area and volume of a conic plate perpendicular to the axis of the
cone would be proportional to its radius, hence proportional to the
distance from the apex.
2. My work deals with a flow that has pressure motivation via a plenum
antecedent to the active Your vision of inducing flow through rotation
is out of the scope of my theories.
If you have computational facilities, skill in modeling and would like
to verify / disprove my results, I am happy to provide details on my
formulations. |
|
Friday, June
25, 2010
Austin Tribe Feedback:
Playing Soldiers
Mr. Seykota,
At Austin Tribe Meeting #3, two more tribe members go on the hot seat. I
have gained tremendous insight and a better understanding of intimacy
with each and every tribe member's experience on the hot seat. One
member, who owns ... business, talks about improving and
changing his relationship with money from one of struggle to one of an
easy acceptance of money flowing to him. It becomes apparent that he
must embrace his own inherent value. He must recognize how important and
valuable his time and services are before he can change his relationship
with money.
I am captivated by the hot seat experience of another tribe member, who
discusses his reluctance to deal with risk. The process takes our fellow
tribe member from present day, to a nearly ruinous real estate deal in
the '80s, and all the way back to a traumatic experience as a 3 or
4-year-old.
As a little boy he was playing soldiers in his garden when
his father came home. The father was furious with the damage to the
garden and had to be restrained by his wife and the boy's grandmother
from beating the little boy. That child wanted, more than anything, for
his father to love him and to play soldiers with him in the garden, but
instead he is treated with scorn and fury. Roughly 50 years later, the
little boy was still there in the heart of this successful, kind,
competent man. And he was still yearning for the love and acceptance of
his father.
A few days after this meeting, my 6-year-old says, "Dad, would you play
soldiers with me?" I immediately feel tightness in my throat. I feel,
and fight against, tears of joy that are blurring my vision.
The joy is
overwhelming. I have never been so thrilled in my life to play soldiers.
I think I enjoy it more than my two boys. My soldiers are courageous and
creative, but very silly. My sons laugh and laugh at my silly soldiers.
I feel in the present. I treasure the roughly 45 minutes we spend
creating strategies and ambushes and alliances. I feel grateful for the
connection with my children. I feel extremely relaxed with the boys over
the past several days. I constantly try to focus on connection instead
of control. As a parent I have felt many days of frustration and a
feeling of trying my best but falling short. I have felt nothing like
that since our last tribe meeting.
I feel like I am exactly where I need to be. I play soldiers. |
Thank you for sharing your
process.

Kids Naturally Like To Connect
with their parents.
Clip:
http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_2557tHZ4FzU/
SIS-JjKyaCI/AAAAAAAAAdw/uIrxXd629KA/
s400/2580793392_abb11aef3a_o.jpg |
|
Friday, June
25, 2010
Austin Tribe Feedback:
Dealing
with Fear of Loss
We go through two processes tonight. The first one does not resonate
much with me, but the second strikes quite a chord. One of the members
explains that he is having trouble taking risks in the market. He thinks
it is related to a near wipe-out that he experienced over 20 years ago.
Since that event he has not been able to really take a big a chance. ..
or to get his “mojo” back.
It takes numerous attempts, but Ed patiently deals with each of the
logical, analyzed reasons that the tribe member has for his problem. Ed
asks the tribe member to really remember the experience of nearly being
wiped out and to really feel that all over again. As the tribe member
does this, I recall some of my early losses in trading. I feel the
frustration of the loss. I recall bargaining with myself, with the
market, with God. I feel the anger and shame associated with those
losses and how at times I felt like and did cry over them. The feelings
are a mixture of anger, sadness, shame, despair, and helplessness. I
feel my eyes swell and get a little watery and my chest get tight. I
withdraw from the market, and miss what becomes a huge move in the
markets.
I recall more recent market losses that were far larger with a couple of
extra zeros on the end. I recall attempting to feel nothing during those
episodes. I tried being a machine. I barely had any emotion at all, or
more correctly I refuse to feel any emotions. The result is the same
though, I largely retreat from the market and am scared to get back in.
As with my early losses I withdraw from the market just in time to watch
it zoom higher.
As I support my tribe’s man as he goes through the process, I feel fear
that creeps over me. I fear that I will never get trading right. I am
afraid that being able to trade profitably is just a pipe dream that I
can’t fulfill.
Even now when writing this I feel confusion, I don’t like it, but I
commit to feeling this. My mind swims with questions. I wonder where
this comes from. I wonder whether it is possible for me to learn to be
an excellent trader. I have been emotional and I have been steeled and I
traded poorly both times.
|
Thank you for sharing your
process. |
|
Thursday, June
24, 2010
Report on Austin Tribe Session 6/17:
Learning to Grieve
Dear Ed,
After attending the first two Tribe meetings, my wife and I discussed
the Control Model and the cathartic experience of people on the hot
seat. I acknowledged Control behavior in our relationship and I asked
how she felt about that observation. Such an invitation can be
considered a stimulant to engaging the Intimacy Model. After interactive
communication, she encouraged me to take the 'hot seat' at my earliest
opportunity and not hold back emotionally.
While on the hot seat, I realized I had blocks (k-nots) to describing my
feelings and always resorted to logic. As the process continued and
through my team members role playing and Ed's facilitation, a traumatic
investment experience that lay dormant for some 24 years emerged. Asking
the question, what do you do to grieve, led to the recognition that I
have not been able to engage in the grieving process. Blocks to healing
resulted in shutting-down and withdrawing from investing compared to the
time prior to the trauma experience.
More probing and questioning led to the 'AHA moment' of realizing the
cause of my traumatic experience was not just the financial trauma, but
a deeper rooted desire to win affirmation from a father who I was trying
to please and win his affirmation. My father found difficulty expressing
his feelings, was not affirmed by his father, and therefore, could not
offer me what he did not possess.
As I discussed these feelings I realize my drive for relational bonding
to make up for what I did not experience with my father. I also have an
issue with my expressing my feelings. I have started to reframe time
with my dad and I am experiencing new feelings which is creating a
lighter spirit within me as I deal with my past.
I start to role play
with my dad and talk to him on an intimate basis. I desire to understand
him and have him understand me. The choice of a different outcome in
dealing with past experiences and circumstances creates a lighter
feeling as I start to feel a release and peace. I feel I am starting to
cycle thru a grieving process.
The intention to fully participate emotionally in the TTP process, the
power of role playing, choice, and the supportive process of the tribe
contributed to opening the faucet between my feelings and conscious
mind.
Many thanks to Ed and my fellow tribe members for their support and
validation. |
Thank you for sharing your
process. |
|
Thursday, June
24, 2010
Bernoulli
Greetings Mr. Seykota,
Having just
read market wizards book, and with a desire to learn more.. I found your
website. But I get distracted easily. I went there for trading knowledge
and found the articles on levitation to be most captivating. I never
questioned the Bernoulli idea before but i lost a little sleep over this
theory last night. My first thought was that the decrease of air density
behind the foil creates a relative vacuum on top of the wing and thus
the lifting pressure from below. But the more i think about it the more
confused i am. I plan to experiment a little. But i want to thank you
for turning some gears in my head that haven't turned for awhile. |
Let me know if you can find
any errors in my theory. |
|
Thursday, June
24, 2010
Data Providers
Hi Ed,
Some day I
look forward to renewing our friendship, and explaining how I came to
step on a landmine ten years ago. Meantime, I am comparing the various
chart software offerings.
The one I showed you years ago still exists. You may remember that I
introduced you to Proview and its owner Richard Cook of Sydney , with a
suggestion that you join forces. We then met with your people (in
Florida ?) but lost track after that.
CQG looks promising, and CSI ... also, and FutureSource has some facilities.
Just wondering if you can steer me to any others that I should add to
the comparison.
I will be happy to give you my conclusions in any case, as to what works
best. Looking at all the world’s liquid markets requires eliminating the
ones that trade too little so that has to be easy. There are so many
liquid ETFs that trade like futures that you want to include them
clearly, along with large-cap stocks if they are trending. Then you want
to pick out new highs, get them into a slide show etc.
Am doing this for myself ... and
glad to include you. |
FAQ does not recommend
commercial products. See ground rules.
I am happy to hear about your continuing researches into data providers. |
|
Thursday, June
24, 2010
Developing a System
Dear Mr. Seykota,
I had a system (or set of rules) for commodities that on average made 12
trades per month.
When I lose I lose 1% of my account or less (because I move my stop
loss) and when I win I win 1.5%
I win 55% of the time
I'm in the trade between 1 and 20 days, and I don't have profit taking,
I just move my stop loss (usually under the 3 days low, or above 3 days
high), to protect my profits, until the market take me out...
I used these set of rules for the last 2 years, but I didn't make a
back-testing, because I use different rules for different cases.
I would like to ask you, what advise can you give me to improve my
results
Thanks
|
You might consider
back-testing some systems that stay in the market a little longer. |
|
Thursday, June
24, 2010
Willingness Testing
Hi Ed!
Life is more funny that when I started to write to you a couple of years
ago. I am grateful for the journey you have helped me to do! Today I use
my feelings as a great input instead of an enemy. I have the analogy
with a gps in a car. A gps is never angry, it always give you the best
effort to guide you from where you currently are. The same with your
feelings. They make the best effort to guide you from your current
situation!
I wish I could build a system like you. The last years I have found
hints (to your system) along the way and I believe I could build a good
system, but currently I have a hard time creating some action! I know
the best way is to start, so I think I will do that now :-)
One of my best transformations is that I constantly congratulate myself
for good things I have done. Earlier I did just the opposite. I only
count good things. When you said "what you measure tends to improve" it
became evident that it is not good to measure something you don't want
to improve.
Still I am doing stupid things that I have a judge against, but now I
let myself "fall" and give me time to be human and enjoy it. I am not a
machine and when I build my rules with that in mind, I have a smaller
tendency to be strict to the level of stupidity.
We still meet 2-5 people in our tribe every month. I am happy about
these meetings and as long as I have someone to interact with it is
enough. It was a long time a new member joined the group but as long we
are at least two persons, I am satisfied.
Yesterday I received my mother when she was upset about unthankful
children. I came to understand that I was actually "pushing" her to feel
without permission (I did not ask). She became more upset and said she
did not want to talk about this. I said it might be good to bring it up
instead of push away the feelings. The same evening she said it felt
better. Still, I did it because I thought she needed it, not because she
said she needed it. I guess I might do better if I initially ask for
willingness.
Best regards and have a nice summer!
|
Thank you for sharing your
process and your insights about testing for willingness. |
|
Wednesday,
June 23, 2010
Austin Tribe Feedback:
Connecting
With His Kids
Dear Ed,
Report on Session #3
“Connect with your kids” – that was my main take away from session #3 in
the Austin Tribe last week. Similar to the previous two sessions, this
session explored and demonstrated the value of the Intimacy-Centric
model.
There was one
hot seat which started out, in my mind, completely unrelated to the
Intimacy-Centric model. However, under Ed’s skillful process leadership
and with a role playing exercise, before the hot seat was over I could
see that the issue was not really about the excessive fear of risk (as
the person on the hot seat and I as an observer originally assumed it
was) but instead it was about the Control-Centric model. The solution
was the application of the Intimacy-Centric model. In fact that it was so
powerful that it even made it impossible for the role player to continue
in his aggressive, Control-Centric role.
From another hot seat, I learned a lesson on pricing, free markets and
capitalism. And I also learned that trading issues are usually the
manifestation of underlying psychological issues. Trying to fix only the
trading issue will not work if we do not address the underlying
psychological issues.
Once again, thank you very much Ed for the valuable insights and thanks
also to my fellow tribe members. |
Thank you for sharing your
process and insights. |
|
Tuesday, June
22, 2010
Austin tribe Feedback:
Charging
More and Celebrating Feelings of Rejection
Session 3
We meet again in Austin. After checking in and reporting on the progress
of our projects I take the hotseat.
My issue is
about money. I want to make a lot more money but without the struggle
that seems to go along with that now. Ed ask about my current occupation
and we discuss various aspects of my business and my pricing. I try to
feel the anger and frustration that I feel sometimes at work and can not
seem to bring that feeling up. I just get this goofy grin on my face
that doesn't really fit the situation.
After some
time of Ed working with me I realize that it is not my customers who are
to blame for my situation but me. I just do not ask enough for what I
do. I agree to raise my prices the next day back at work. I am not sure
what changed but feel something changed internally. I feel different in
my gut. I ask for higher prices and am surprised when my customers do
not even complain.
I also
practice dealing with their feelings and quit trying to justify why I
charge the amount I do. I find this works very well. I tell them how
much it cost, they think about it and then say OK. I also notice I am
not attached to them taking the offer and it feels different to not be
attached to them saying yes or them saying no. I like this. |
Thank you for sharing your
process and your success. |
|
Tuesday, June
22, 2010
The Fed Defines Inflation in a Comic Book
I would be interested in knowing your thoughts regarding this
comic book, courtesy of the New York Fed.
Thanks!
File:
www.newyorkfed.org/publications/
result.cfm?comics=1
|
The comic book tends to
minimize the definition of inflation as an increase in the quantity of
money - and emphasize the definition as a general advance in price
levels. |
|
Monday, June
21, 2010
Contemplating Marriage
Dear Support Team,
I do not feel like I make significant progress on my commitment over the
past month and am not sure about what to report on. I do n]ot feel any
closer to determining if I want to marry my girlfriend (I feel it's too
early in the relationship to discuss marriage) and I am not dating any
other women to find potential mates.
I think that our relationship improves over the last month as measured
by the decreasing number of dramas. We only have one major drama that
occurs four weeks ago. She gets upset at me twice over the last weekend
but these are minor, quickly resolved, and don't bother me.
I notice that as I am thinking of what I want to write that I keep
coming up with "negatives" about the relationship or things that are
lacking between me and achieving my commitment. I feel the urge to
report on the "positives" of the relationship (as I do in my last
update) but I decide that this is not necessary.
I have concerns about my girlfriend being reliable. I think about how
she seems to have a volatile personality at times and can turn from
happy to upset very quickly. I have an Aha as I consider that this could
be analogous to not wanting high volatility or big drawdowns in a
trading account.
I view dating as the back-test for marriage. I feel like I gradually get
closer to being able to make a decision about marriage as the duration
of dating extends.
Initially I feel embarrassed about having a perceived lack of progress.
I do not want to submit my update because I don't want to send out "bad
news". I stick to the commitment of sending the update and feel much
better at the completion of this e-mail. I think that I can only have
progress by being willing to work on these issues. I am happy to have
support from such a great group of individuals who express enthusiasm
about helping me with my commitment.
Thanks for your support
|
Thank you for sharing your
process.
You might consider taking your feelings about <I have to do it right> to
Tribe.
You might also consider which, if any, of the following quotes is
closest to perfect.
“The
closest to perfection a person ever comes is when he fills out a job
application form. ~Stanley J. Randall
“This
is the very perfection of a man, to find out his own imperfections.” By
Saint Augustine
“They
say that nobody is perfect. Then they tell you practice makes perfect. I
wish they’d make up their minds.” By Winston Churchill
“No
one becomes perfect, but some become great.” By Anonymous
“I am
careful not to confuse excellence with perfection. Excellence, I can
reach for; perfection is God’s business.” By Michael J. Fox
“Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is
demoralizing.” By Harriet Braiker
“No
good work whatever can be perfect, and the demand for perfection is
always a sign of a misunderstanding of the ends of art.” By John Ruskin
“No
one is perfect… that’s why pencils have erasers.” Author Unknown
“Gold
cannot be pure, and people cannot be perfect.” Chinese Proverb
“When
you aim for perfection, you discover it’s a moving target.”
By George Fisher
“Once
you accept the fact that you’re not perfect, then you develop some
confidence.” By Rosalynn Carter
“Have
no fear of perfection - you’ll never reach it.” By Salvador Dali
“A
perfection of means, and confusion of aims, seems to be our main
problem.” By Albert Einstein
“Were
I to await perfection, my book would never be finished” Chinese Proverbs
“Perfectionism is the enemy of creation.” By John Updike
“Done
is better than perfect.” By Scott Allen
“Perfectionism is the voice of the oppressor.” By Anne Lamott

Too Much Perfection
can be an imperfection
Clip:
http://www.productivity501.com/
excellence-perfection-vs-efficiency/504/ |
|
Monday, June
21, 2010
Clinical Trials for TTP
Dear Ed,
I have the results of the clinical trial evaluating TTP in healthy
participants. We carried the trial in a University hospital. It included
25 persons between 21 and 43 years. We evaluated among others the scores
for depression, somatic complaints (like pains and aches), aggressively,
fear, and global well-being. Immediately after that, they took the hot
seat.
We assessed
the same areas three and ten days later. The tests showed a reduction of
about 50% in the scores of most areas that we assessed. In other words,
three and ten days after the hotseat participants were better in
balance, half as depressed, half as stressed, and had 50% less physical
complaints and emotional tension than before. If you are interested, I
can send you a more complete report. We plan to write a paper about it
and present it for publication in a medical journal.
Lo and behold, TTP works… |
Thank you for the encouraging
news.
I wonder if you can send comparable metrics for alternative methods such
as talk-therapy, pharmacology and getting some straight talk from an
authority figure. |
|
Monday, June
21, 2010
Living With Intimacy
At workshop I
discover I am largely without discipline in my trading. Through my hot
seat I learn through re-enactment and modeling that I have internal
drama from childhood bully incidents. Emotional turmoil in me seeps out
and creates drama in my life. I came to Workshop to learn how to trade
better, knowing from TTP that psychology is a critical component, a make
or break ingredient in trading results.
I want to follow rules and get more predictable results, not only in
trading, but in my interactions with family, friends, and in my
business.
Yesterday one of my sisters had a birthday. I have been rejecting her
for years. Yesterday is no exception. I observe today that she too was a
bully
to me. I try to squeeze the rock given me in the Rocks Process and
determine alternative responses. I learn that rejection is just one
response. I consider she too may have been bullied by someone, and that
it is a vicious cycle. This is an AHA! For me and I feel some badly
needed compassion for her. But do I act on it, send her a card, a note.
Do I act on Fred's attempt to get my attention?
After telling
another sister that I could remember only bad things about the sister
with the birthday, my wife took me, our two beautiful children, a client
and her caregiver out to celebrate Father's Day
[a day early]. It was a nice evening. Then last night I had a long and
bizarre nightmare about the sister who had the birthday that I ignored.
In my dream
she was a lesbian, and I met her and her mate in her home city 1,500
miles away. We were split up in the dream and I ended up in the city
finding my own way to a place where I somehow knew people, I crashed
there. Other details came and went in the dream and were hard to
interpret, but upon waking and reflecting it was clear my conscience, my
Fred, was trying to get my attention through my dream.
I ran up and down a large hill yesterday 4 times. I am returning to
physical workouts after a couple months layoff. I need the endurance to
succeed in
other areas of my life and I feel good about the running. I also am
preparing for a challenging in July.
TTP is changing my life. Attending the Workshop is changing my thinking.
Ed has written a book and drawn cartography of the human mind that I
only begin to comprehend. I take chances now but thanks to Workshop I
have a more mature concept of risk. I have a greatly sharpened
appreciation for
definition and the risk aversion algorithm.
In the April Workshop Ed labels a participant a "bull-shitter." This
person is on the Hot seat when Ed says this. We get it. But that term
comes back to me a hundred times later. This morning the term resurfaces
because Ed later in the Workshop, at the end, lumps me together with
this guy. Ed is trying, I believe, to teach the importance of knowing
what we are talking about. Ed presses me for concise and clear
definition of a term I use in the workshop, and I am unable to produce
the definition with anything resembling mastery.
Today I look
up bullshit and see that it is distinct from lying but the bull-shitter
is implying they know more about something than they do. This type of
bullshit, frankly, can lead to catastrophic losses in trading!
Thank you Ed
for being tough on me and as another of our Workshop colleagues told me
"searing off some of the rough edges" of our thinking, or lack of it.
My commitment in the Workshop is to read a book about evaluation and
optimization of trading systems suggested by Ed. This book is a perfect
learning tool for me because among other things the author [Pardo] takes
pains to define every term used precisely, often quoting the Oxford
dictionary.
The Workshop taught me to face some of my greatest fears, and that my
feelings of inadequacy are not to damage my progress but protect me.
This is what Fred does. He warns, he sends signals to CM and if we heed
his signals we not only survive, we can prosper. I read FAQ as part of
my commitment.
I learn about right livelihood. At this point I am not
much of a trader, and may never be. I am okay with that. I know I can
try trading if I choose to and make it rule based, test the rules
through simulation and modeling, define each step and test it with a
walk forward analysis. I realize people depend on me. There is no room
in trading for bullshit.
A comment from another Trading Tribe member suggests the key to living
in the Intimacy-Centric model is to "focus on feelings rather than
logic." The Control Centric model, it occurs to me, is what I have often
been living and relating to others. It is rather miserable way to live.
It is Mechanical and
lacking humanity by definition. My daughter has just brought me a trey
with yogurt and fresh fruit and a glass of milk and informed me it is
Father's
Day.
I realize what is important and experience this Now. She asks if I
am going to church. I say yes and with that see the intimacy-model as an
opportunity to learn how to share and unify with family.
Thanks to Ed and my support group. I am growing in more ways than I can
count. |
Thank you for sharing your
process and your progress with connecting with family and friends. |
|
Sunday, June
20, 2010
Controlling the Wife
Dear Ed,
Your answer to my posting from Monday, June 14, 2010 (Relating to
Children) is You might consider taking your
feelings about <wanting your wife to behave according to your model>
to Tribe.
I recall thinking a lot before I send my comment on the attitude of my
ex-wife, since I know that judgment of others or of their actions
suggest that we have own issues on the matter. And, in fact, I reckon
that I don't like the feelings associated with “my ex-wife does not
accept to relate in an intimate way”. I plan to take this issue to the
hot seat.
Thank you for pointing at it.
|
Thank you for sharing your
process. |
|
Saturday, June
19, 2010
One Year Anniversary
Dear Ed,
A year ago on 17th June 2009 I come to Incline with my wife to assist you
on your book, conduct research and pursue my passion and right
livelihood of setting up my own fund.
We have an amazing experience in the US. The experience improves
our relationship and completely shifts our view of life, the world and
everything around us.
A year later, on 17th June 2010 I start trading my system live. My fund
is no longer a wild dream but a reality. My wife and I are expecting our
first child in three weeks and our relationship is better than ever.
A few years ago I think that right livelihood is a concept rather than a
reality. I recall your quote during a workshop in 2006 "all it takes is
willingness". A quote so simple and yet so powerful. These words stick
with since then and replay in my mind almost on a daily basis as I face
different challenges in pursuit of my right livelihood.
Right now I look forward to developing my business one step at a time,
becoming a father and embracing each and every challenge as a learning
experience and opportunity for growth.
Thank you Ed for your support, guidance and the gift of clarity that you
give me as I continue my journey towards my right livelihood.
|
Thank you for sharing your
process and your accomplishments. |
|
Friday, June
18, 2010
Donchian Page Error
Dear Mr. Seykota,
on the Donchian page of the chart server, you write that you simulate
the 6 month rule system.
But under the system rules you write about trade entries at the 210 days
high or low.
Is this right or must it be 120 days?
|
Thank you for the catch.
I am currently correcting and extending the study. |
|
Thursday, June
17, 2010
Wants Recommendations
Hi Ed,
I have read several books that reference your experience in trend
following and system trading. I am looking to build a trend following
system from the ground up and was wondering if you wouldn’t mind
answering a few of my questions.
1) What software/platform would you recommend for programming, testing,
executing orders, etc.
2) Do you know of any programming classes that you would recommend
specifically for this?
Thank you,
|
FAQ does not recommend
commercial products or services. See Ground Rules, above. |
|
Thursday, June
17, 2010
Parrondo's Principle
Mr. Ed,
Can we apply the parrondo principle (a paradox)
http://www.scribd.com/doc/5626750/
Developments-in-Parrondos-Paradox
To a 2 trading systems?
Thank you very much.
|
It's OK with
me. |
|
Wednesday,
June 16, 2010
Austin Tribe Hot Seat Report:
Moving Out of Victim
Dear Tribe,
At the Austin Tribe meeting I take the hot seat and feel the feelings
associated with my parents and sister, particularly my father. With Ed’s
help and the support of the tribe, I begin to see my role in the family
system. Ed states that I’m the designated hitter. This is an AHA for me.
I see my role in provoking my father so that he goes after me instead of
my sister or my mother. I don’t cry when he beats me because if I cry
then he’ll stop hitting me, and he’ll still have enough rage to go after
my sister. So I don’t cry and he acts out all his frustration on me. My
sister and mom go in the other room and cry, and are safe. I don’t cry.
I’m good at being a victim. I’m good at my self-imposed role in the
family system.
I am driving home from the meeting, and I start seeing connections about
me setting myself up to be the victim, and not just with my family, but
in many other aspects of my life. I start seeing how I provoke my
father. I start seeing how I have a pattern of being the victim, of
being the designated hitter. I see my role in the system. I no longer
assign blame to my other family members. I see my role in the family
system and have an AHA as I realize that I don’t have to be the victim,
I don’t have to be the designated hitter. I can simply decide that I am
no longer a victim and this changes the entire system. I feel an
enormous weight off my shoulders. My neck is no longer tight. I didn’t
realize how tight my neck is. I am exhausted. I can’t drive any farther,
so I pull off the road and get a room for the night.
I wake up early and have so much energy and feel light. I realize how
much energy I spend blaming others, and how much effort it takes to try
to get people to change. I notice it is really much easier to change
myself. I realize that that is the only thing that I can change.
I start driving home from the hotel where I’ve spent the night. I decide
not to go straight home but instead I decide to go see my father who
lives in a different town. I notice that I’m no longer angry at him. I
feel sorrow. I notice that I’m OK with that feeling. I arrive at my
parent’s house and my mother opens the door. She is excited to see me
and invites me in. My dad gets up from his chair to greet me. He seems
very happy to see me. Then I get hit by a barrage of factoids. Did I
notice their new shoes that have a special kind of arch support? Did I
read some article in the paper about such and such? My dad tells me
about some new vitamins. I start to laugh. I recall a tribe member that
takes a hot seat and discusses his father talking about facts. I am
thankful he shares his process with me and the other tribe members. I
realize my parents have limited experience communicating their feelings.
I ask my dad if he wants to go to the deck outside and just talk. He
does. We go outside. We talk. I ask him about his feelings and he talks,
and talks, and talks. It’s weird. He starts telling me things that he’s
never told me. I notice that I feel OK being around him. I don’t know
how much time goes by. We go back up to the house, and I think I’m about
to leave. I think it is nice to see him and my mom, and then my dad asks
me if I’d like to have lunch with him. I say “yes”. We go and have lunch
and he continues to talk. I share my feelings with him about various
things with my son and he opens up more. It’s weird.
Three days after the Austin Tribe meeting, I go to the local tribe
meeting and we discuss the control-centric model and the
intimacy-centric model. My wife takes the hot seat and we go through
about 12 different role-playing scenarios. We take turns playing the
role of my wife. That’s new for us. My wife gets to see how other people
use various resources in the scenario. One tribe member is playing the
role of my mother-in-law in every scenario. He has never met my
mother-in-law, and he is spot on in playing her in the scenario. At
checkout we agree that he can win an Oscar for his performance. Now
here’s the weird part: we all notice that as each of us took turns
playing the role of my wife and trying different resources, the tribe
member playing the role of my mother-in-law reacted in completely
different ways. We all have an AHA that he is merely reacting to us,
that he is giving each of us the response that we are soliciting. We
notice how the control-centric model failed miserably in getting any
positive results; and we notice how using the intimacy-centric model,
establishing rapport and sharing feelings, receive positive results. I
have an AHA, my family members are all just giving me what I want.
A few days pass, and it is now Monday night. Me and my wife, son,
sister, niece, mom, and dad are all sitting at a table in a restaurant.
It is our first time to be together in over a year. We are all laughing
and having a good time. There is a brief moment of silence, and my son,
who is four and is sitting between my wife and my father, looks up at my
father and says, “It’s been a really long time since I’ve seen you.” My
father responds, “Yes.” My son then pushes his math workbook in the
direction of my father and they start solving some math problems.
I am thankful for the support from Ed and all the Tribe members. |
Thank you for sharing your
process.

The Abuser and the Victim
have subtle ways
of locating each other
and agreeing to the terms of engagement.
Clip:
http://www-rohan.sdsu.edu/~willia26/
finalproject/crackeddiamonds/images/
domestic_violence_080207_ms.jpg
|
|
Wednesday,
June 16, 2010
Swinger
Dear Ed:
I day-trade because there is too much noise in swing trading and
investing.
|
Thank you for sharing your
process.

People Who Engage in Self-Destruction
typically have good reasons.
Clip:
http://www.insidesocal.com/
tomhoffarth/gambling.jpg
|
|
Wednesday,
June 16, 2010
Austin
Tribe Feedback
I attend the Austin Tribe meeting. A member brings up his relationship
issue with his mother- in-law. His is aware that his resentment, in
part, is due to gift expectations, which are communicated to his wife.
His usual pattern is to argue the financial issues with his wife, then
give up when his wife won't agree. As we role play, it become clear that
the real conflict is with his wife. Similar feelings are recalled when,
as a boy, he was not granted a gift he deeply wanted. As the process
develops, we see that the gifts are really tokens of deep feelings. For
the boy, the feelings were about receiving affection in the form a gift.
In the man, his feelings are invalidated when the wife won't cooperate.
We see that both situations are about achieving intimacy, not the
surface conversations.
Another role play is undertaken to process the resentment of being
bullied in another tribe member. Memories surface around an incident
with a close relative. We role play and powerful feelings are
experienced by the tribe member. We work through new responses/resources
that can be used in dealing with this relationship and similar
situations.
We talk talk through the issues, without role play, for a member that
received physical abuse as a child, and mental abuse as a teenager. His
attempts to resolve relationship issues with his family have met with
little or no progress. In talking through the players and their agendas,
the motives and possible responses are clarified. He sees the
possibility of new attitudes and options in dealing with players.
|
Thank you for sharing your
observations. |
|
Wednesday,
June 16, 2010
Austin Tribe Feedback:
Reconciling
with His Brother
Hello Ed,
Thank you and my fellow Tribesman for another great meeting.
One of the members of the tribe expressed his dissatisfaction with being
presented an extravagant Christmas gift list from his wife's family that
he is expected to pay for each year. He explains to his wife that they
go way over their Christmas budget each year but she spends the money
anyway. He is uncomfortable with this arrangement. He relates a similar
story, as a child, he wanted a red fire truck for Christmas but his
mother refused to buy it for him because it wasn't within the family
budget. He role played with two tribe members, one played his wife while
another played his mother. This role playing allowed him and everyone
else in the tribe to to learn new interpersonal skills. We learned to
express our feelings to someone and to listen and encourage the other
person to express their feelings as well. This communication allows a
deeper understanding of the actual issues that are driving the dramas in
our lives. We also learned to negotiate by expressing our feelings in
order to drive home a point about something we feel strongly about.
I took the "hot seat" and related an incident involving my brother that
I had strong feelings about. We were both visiting our parent's home and
I had mentioned that I was taking a martial arts class at college. My
brother, who is much larger than I am, started to throw punches close to
my head to show his martial arts prowess. This action irritated me and I
nudged him away with my arm. He then grabbed me by the arm and threw me
to the ground. He laid on top of me and pinned my arms underneath me. I
struggled to get up but, couldn't. I asked him what was wrong but, he
said nothing and just continued to pounce and hold me down. Finally, I
shouted for help but, then my brother put his hand over my mouth and
rubbed my lips against the braces I had on my teeth at the time. Then
our mother came in to break up the incident and she told me to stay away
from my brother. My brother explained the reason why he was angry was
because he and his wife were having difficulties. This struggle was
re-enacted in the tribe meeting with one tribesman playing my brother
and another playing my mother. I learned that if someone approaches me
in an aggressive manner to show respect for their emotions by asking how
they are feeling. Maybe, if I had asked how he was feeling and allowed
him to express himself about his marriage problems, the entire fight
could have been avoided. I could have also shown more respect for the
martial arts techniques he had learned as well. I would have also opened
up a more intimate dialog by communicating with him in this manner.
I spoke to my brother a couple of days after the tribe meeting and asked
him how he was feeling. He said he was hot and was sweating. I asked him
if had anymore feelings and he said the heat made him feel sad. Then I
said I felt bad about the heat as well and then made a mistake. I told
him I was going to my car to turn on the a/c full blast to get over the
hot feeling. I guess the old control centric model dies hard. Then I
asked him how business was and he felt bad because it was such a
dog-eat-dog world. I injected humor by saying I get bit in the tail
myself sometimes and he laughed. When the conversation ended he said he
was glad I had called him.
I look forward to seeing everyone at the next Tribe meeting.
|
Thank you for sharing your
process and for following through with your brother.

Your Siblings Can Help You
explore and learn how to deal with
lots of issues.
Clips:
http://kansansforlife.files.
wordpress.com/2009/12/
boys-fighting3.jpg
|
|
Wednesday,
June 16, 2010
Austin Tribe Feedback:
From
Control to Intimacy
Dear Ed,
During the week after the Austin Tribe meeting, I review the
Control / Intimacy Models and draft a post to FAQ. In an attempt to
express the concepts and after a challenge to not hold back emotionally,
I further discuss Control issues with my wife. I acknowledge how I
attempt to control in many ways and that many behavioral issues spring
from past family experiences. She challenges and encourages me to become
more transparent and vulnerable. As I dialogue and express my feelings,
she points out that I always decide what to do based upon what I should
do rather than what I would like to do, more like not treating myself
well, because I don't deserve to be treated well. She reminds me that I
am a perfectionist. I start to get a knot in my neck as I realize there
are many control issues and acknowledging them creates more tightness up
my neck.
Thru the first Austin Tribe meeting, as several members take the Hot
Seat I experience, I share in the experiences as similar events in my
life become vivid. I see how TTP processes can reframe and apply
different resources to impact choices. In thinking about my family
history and the Control Model in our home versus the Intimacy Model., my
'aha moment' is that I attempt to manage and control outcomes in my
personal and investing life.
In starting the TTP journey my intent is to be in the Intimacy Model,
wherein I acknowledge, trust and accept my feelings, and to commit to
work on my control issue.
|
Thank you for sharing your
process. |
|
Wednesday,
June 16, 2010
Workshop Progress Report
It is hard to believe it has only been a couple of months since the
April Workshop in Reno.
I complete the Pardo EOTS 2nd Ed. This week. I am exhausted and grumpy.
I allow myself to enjoy that feeling and consider its intention. I stick
with my system of systematic study of Pardo and prepare for next action
steps. Emotionally, I feel distanced.
I notice it has been over two months since I sent in TTP application
above. I experience mixture of ambivalence and mild resentment. I
recognize that feeling as anxiety and it starts to shrink and disappear.
I am grateful to know and inspired by other Workshop attendees from the
Reno conference. Their comments, especially [from Name] remind me I need to review Ed’s book, and I quote it
to him to help him solve his k-not.
I sit in my office contemplating an exhausting interview I have with
prestigious investment firm last night. I have mixed emotions. I let
them flow. I am aware of many opportunities before me, and I consider
how I sabotage them, squeeze them like I would a bully (recalling my hot
seat, my wrestling days).
I am more than ready to start a Trading Tribe! The sooner the better
because my recollection of my experience of the Workshop is not getting
any stronger as time passes. I feel let down that the tribe application
has not been acknowledged, and over two months have passed since I sent
it in. This feeling has a good intension. I consider that intension as a
desire to see some action, and with that I respectfully close.
|
Thank you for sharing your process. |
|
Wednesday,
June 16, 2010
Wants to Attend a Workshop
Hi ,
I would like
to know when is the next course!?
Tks |
I currently have no specific
date for a Workshop in Austin. I generally schedule Workshops in
response to demand. |
|
Wednesday,
June 16, 2010
Profit Taking
Dear Ed,
Do you exit on stop-loss or do you have a profit taking when you place a
trade?
Thank you very much
|
You might consider this:
profit taking = profit limiting
and
loss taking = loss limiting. |
|
Wednesday,
June 16, 2010
TSP
Dear Ed Seykota,
I'm student trend follower from [Country] who
would like to thank you for your brilliant website and book.
I find it has
greatly helped me to improve my trading knowledge and skills. I have
been building my own trending following trading system, and been doing
the exercises under "the trading system project" section on the website.
I can see that there are other topics in this section such as optimizing
a trend system and dynamic portfolio selection, but no links to
information about these subjects.
I would love
to read your view on the listed subjects. Is this information available
anywhere and/or do you plan to update the website with exercises and
information in "trading system project" section in the future? |
Thank you for your support.
You might consider writing something on optimization and other topics to
link to the index. |
|
Wednesday,
June 16, 2010
Austin Tribe Feedback:
Sharing
with His Wife and Son
Mr. Seykota,
I find that the second Austin Tribe Meeting greatly enhances my
understanding of intimacy and what it means to send my feelings and
receive feelings from others, without judging or suggesting a course of
action. I am beginning to understand that giving advice and saying, "You
should do XYZ" is a way to control someone. During the second meeting,
three other tribe members take the hot seat. And each one of them brings
a revelation to me. I appreciate the work that each of my fellow tribe
members goes through. Their struggles and their forms are captivating,
they are intense, and they enrich my understanding of the power of
intimacy.
I am excited to follow up with each of them to hear how their new
resources of sending and receiving feelings have benefited their
relationships over the last week.
In the five days since our last meeting, I am very much at ease, very
willing to accept what is happening right now, without trying to judge
how I feel. I am doing a better job of letting my feelings happen and
turning toward my thoughts of confusion, and embracing them, instead of
turning away.
Since our last meeting, I share my feelings with my mother about trading
and the importance to me of this Tribe. I share my feelings with my wife
about our annual family trip to [City], which is always a source of
friction between us. I share my feelings with my 6-year-old about using
a magic marker to color the carpet. And I ask him if he will share with
me how he feels about coloring the carpet. He does share and he does
communicate his feelings and it all feels so right and so honest and
pure.
My patience is increasing. My appreciation of today is increasing. I am
excited to continue the journey.
|
Thank you for sharing your
process. |
|
Tuesday, June
15, 2010
Connecting With His Son
Austin Tribe Meeting #2 Feedback:
Last week we have our second meeting in Austin. We report feelings that
have come up from our projects. A couple members work on issues they are
hot about.
I find I have the same issues as them although with varying degrees of
intensity. Somewhere in the meeting my mind drifts to my son.
His mom
and I divorced when he was young and she raised him with me just seeing
him every other week. Seems to me every difficulty they encountered was
always my fault and he learned to manipulate his mom to get his way or
to get out of doing things he did not wish to do. Today he is 29 has 3
children and has never held a job over
6 months in his entire life.
He is back living with his mom with no car
and few resources. When things go bad for him he tells his mom he is
depressed and is thinking about committing suicide then his mom and
sister come running to bail him out, over and over and over again.
I have worked
all my life since I was a teen
and been self sufficient so I have real trouble relating to him, I just
don't understand or like this kind of behavior. Needless to say we just
don't get along.
After observing Ed work with a few people I left the Tribe meeting
thinking about giving my son another try. I called him and told him I
would like to take him to lunch Sunday afternoon. I made the decision
before leaving to pick him up I will practice accepting him just how he
is and just how he is not.
I chose to try my best not to judge him or
push my ideas of how he should be or how he should live his life. What a
wonderful meal we had. He brought my grandchildren and we laughed and
had the best time we have had together probably ever. As we were leaving
he ask if we could get together and spend some more time together this
summer.
In conclusion
for years I had thought how I could possibly make a difference with him
to improve his life and nothing I did or said seemed to help. He either
did not listen or rejected any suggestions.
Dropping
judgment and my ideas of how he should be or do seemed to make more
difference than anything I have ever tried and opened the door to
finally establishing some connection there with him. I feel this is a
major milestone for us.
Thanks Ed for hosting this Tribe series!
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Thank you for sharing your
process and for connecting with your son.

Sometimes Your Relationships Improve
in proportion to what you stop doing.
Clip:
http://trayvon.ottley.ca/wp-content
/uploads/FatherAndSonFishingCleaned.jpg
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