Sunday, March
14, 2010
Family
Dynamics - Guilt Tripping
Hi Ed,
One of the Rock Resources I have is to share feelings. But what if
others don't want to receive?
It happens with my in-laws. In 2008, my in-laws were not happy after
their retirement and wanted to come to the U.S. to stay with us. Since
my wife was pregnant at that time, we bought a 2-family house so that my
in-laws could stay with us and help take care of my wife and the baby
after he was born.
My in-laws love my son dearly and take very good care of him, probably
too good. They protect him in every way, and if he ever cries, Grandpa
will sure come to rescue.
Since I am involved with TTP, I am well aware of being a rock donor to
the child. I see the pattern that my son could be throwing tantrum, or
more precisely, using crying and tears to get what he wants. For
example, Grandpa may want to put him down for a minute so that he can
get dressed, but he won't let to be put down or anyone else to hold
him, and he will cry and Grandpa will submit to him. In fact, he does it
for Grandpa.
Once he was crying, I just took him out for a walk. Within
2 minutes of not seeing Grandpa, he stopped the crying and
acted normally, probably knowing that his tears are in vain. He was only
16 months old then.
We took him to our home city to see our relatives for the first time.
Literally everyone's comments to us was that the baby is too protected,
and that Grandpa is holding him too much.
I have been
wanting to have a deep conversations with my in-laws for a long time,
but I have been avoiding the confrontation, for they are very sensitive
to any bit of criticism.
Before they came to the U.S., I wrote a hearty
letter to them, explaining my fear of living together since it is a big
change for me, but that despite so I am willing to and looking forward
to make it home for them here. My wife knows I
speak from my heart, but she later heard from my father-in-law that he
took it the other way, and thought that was my implicit message of not
welcoming him.
Well, this time I have seen enough and the pain of not speaking
overwhelms the fear of confrontation. I spend several nights thinking of
what I want to say.
I know I have to be very delicate, very careful
in the words I use.
I want to show them my appreciation, and let them
know that I am happy that they are taking good care of the baby these
months. I want to let them know my concern that they may be too
protective of the baby, and I think it'd be a lot healthier if we let
the baby (actually, now a toddler) more freedom, and give him the
opportunity to try and fail instead of helping him at every moment.
I
want to share my feelings, how I felt when the baby was crying while I
was holding him, and then Grandpa rushed to the rescue and took the baby
from me. That was the feeling of failure, as if I missed one shot in a
basketball game, and I can't shoot anymore. I can't learn
shooting that way.
The conversation went better than my expectation - or so I thought at
the time. My father-in-law commented that he was glad that we had the
conversation, and that he assured me that he wasn't spoiling the child,
and I was just overly worried. I thought that was a good start, as we
establish communication.
Then today, almost a month later, my wife told me her dad was very
unhappy. She said he didn't feel appreciated, as if everything he did
was wrong. At first, I thought he was referring to my mother-in-law, for
she tends to belittle him, even in front of us, and many times I feel
sorry for him. I even told my wife then that that kind of public
belittling is unhealthy to a loving relationship. My wife agrees, but
she thinks that it is not appropriate for us to say anything about their
relationship. If that's how they operate, well, that's their way. I
guess she's right.
My wife was angry at her dad for making everyone unhappy, with the way
he is blaming others. I told her to have empathy and think from his
perspective, for she is just blaming him now for the problem.
"You know,
if you are always belittled, you probably don't feel too good either, so
we can't blame him for being upset."
Also, it's good that
he is now telling her how he feels, and we want to encourage that. My
wife was ready to point out the her dad's flaws to him, but I suggest to
her instead to tell him genuinely that his happiness is what's most
important to us, and we are sorry to see him upset, and we'd like to
know how we can make things better.
So with that, my wife had another conversation with her parents. When my
wife came back, she told me that they were actually upset at me!
They
said I shouldn't be the one speaking to them about how to raise a baby.
To them, it feels like criticism, and they don't like to take that from
me. They feel they work so hard to take care of the baby, but they get
criticism instead of appreciation from me. They even make it clear to
her - if there's any differing opinion in how to raise a baby, they can
hear it from her but not from me.
Coincidentally, I was in the midst of writing a letter even before this
fiasco. In it, I express my gratitude for their service, and acknowledge
that I have my personal flaws too. I say I appreciate the
conversation we had, and reiterate my desire to continue the open
communication. I invite them for feedback for any of my short-coming. I
also share with them my vision, that I see them at my son's college
graduation with us, and I feel so glad that *WE* did it together as a
team to raise a boy who is now a fine young man. I list a couple of
areas where we have differences in our views on what's appropriate for
the baby, and I share with them my view. I make it clear that I
understand where they are coming from, and it isn't about right or
wrong, but as a matter of preference I'd like to see it handle
differently.
Well, since the message they gave my wife is that they don't want to
hear from me directly, I can't send them the letter. My wife suggested
me not to also. She said she could feel I genuinely appreciate them and
want to have an open conversation to work things out together, but she
is afraid they'd take my words as criticism instead.
She said they
can't handle sharing feelings. They don't do those things. They are very
sensitive to criticism, and my letter would backfire.
I share my hurt feelings with my wife. I saw my in-laws as my family,
and I muster up the courage to open up myself to them to have the
conversation, and I thought I got encouragement from my father-in-law.
But now he is saying I hurt him deeply with my criticism, and that he
couldn't sleep well at night. I feel like he is blaming me for all his
problems!
Now I feel very hurt. My wife said she understood, but gave me
the "what-can-I-do" shrug. I feel sorry for her to be in between us,
trying to please both sides. I know it is a difficult situation for her
and I don't want to make it even more difficult.
Well, writing it out here is somewhat therapeutic to me. When I began, I
don't know what I can do. In fact, my automatic gut response is to give
my in-laws the silent protest (despite us having dinner together every
night). If they don't like me, fine then, I just won't speak to them. At
the same time, I know how childish and unconstructive it is. It doesn't
solve the problem but just sweep it under the rug. That's actually how
my in-laws told my wife - that after speaking to her they feel better
and they can pretend nothing happens.
There is a voice in me that tells me to keep showing them love and
appreciation persistently to melt their heart, to make them realize that
despite our differences I am indeed appreciative of their service and
effort.
I have no doubt about their sincerity in wanting the best for
the baby - I just wish they could tone it down a bit so as not to
suffocate the boy's natural learning ability. I feel being patience,
showing them our love and appreciation is the right thing to do, but at
the same time I am also feeling a lot of hesitance and resistance to do
so. After all, my feeling's hurt too.
Even though I can't see why and how, I am well aware of the possibility
that I might want to feel hurt and so I create this drama and enroll my
in-laws and wife as players. I intend to bring this hurt
feeling to the hot seat in our next Tribe meeting.
