Ed's FAQs September 21, 2009

Contributors Say (Quotes from Ed in Red)	Ed Says
Tuesday, September 29, 2009 Improving Relating to Mom Dear Support Team, In the weeks following my last update, I make progress on my first Wave by reading and studying the Resources, Data Verification, and Continuous Contracts sections of the TSP. I also read much of the Trend Following book. However, in the last few weeks, I barely do any work on this Wave. I get off task by focusing on other things during this time and I intend to get back to work on it this week. I put very little effort into my second Wave since my last update. At some point, I decide not to work on it anymore. I consider dropping this Wave altogether since it is not a priority for me. As a part of this Wave, I host a party at my apartment a week and a half ago. It is an idea that I have for a few months but I keep putting it off. Eventually I pick a date and start preparing for it. I think that the party can be a useful way for me to meet people in my area and potential mates. I view it as a different approach to a system and it may work. It ends up not being successful but it is useful because I learn about aspects of party planning that do not work and how to improve. I am really happy that I commit to hosting it after delaying for so long. I also want to provide an update on some other things in my life. I continue to trade my personal account using long term trend following concepts. (I have a "system" but I do not have a computer programmed back test of it, which is my objective in Wave 1.) My trading is very profitable over the last few months. I like riding the trends and employing risk management techniques which were previously absent from my portfolio. I exercise more frequently and with longer duration. I notice improvements in my strength and endurance. I also enjoy exercising a lot more. I come across some information on successful athletes and how they eat. I make a substantial improvement to the quality of food I eat and this reinforces my desire to exercise. I employ TTP concepts in many areas of my life but I notice that my old habits resurface quite easily on occasion. I sense tension in my relationship with my mom. I notice that I get very irritated with many things she says. I pick one thing in particular and decide to tell her about it. I wait for weeks for the right time to tell her since I already tried to explain this to her a few times but she ignores it. I am on vacation, at dinner with my parents and siblings, when the topic comes up again. I tell her about what is bothering me and how I feel. My face gets very hot when I speak to her and I am nervous about how she may react. When the heat subsides I feel incredible relief that I express my feelings about this. I then become concerned that I may be too blunt or accusatory. She tells me that she did not realize that what she was saying was hurtful to me. She apologizes, says that she will change this, and that she is proud of me as a son. She offers to listen to anything else that I want to talk about regarding our relationship. I notice a difference in how she treats me over the last few weeks.	Thank you for sharing your process.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009 Tribe Report Dear Ed, A visiting tribe member asks the local chief to call a meeting to work on some issues. Several members appear for the impromptu meeting. One member tells of long held beliefs about relationships with his parents and how they affect his ability to do technical work. He had great difficulty with technical subjects from an early age, in spite of his strong effort and dedication to succeed. We do a "rocks process" and the first member describes feelings of relief and growth. I role-play a confused causal-minded father. I feel horrible as the process begins, as I bring the negative feelings the role requires. I am watching the first member suffer as a child at the hands of his angry father (me). I wince emotionally as I realize I have caused suffering in the lives of my own children and spouse. My grief begins to dissipate as the process evolves. As the first member evolves with his new resources, my ability to respond negatively fades. Eventually, I (the role-playing father) and the first member (as the son) reach a new level of intimacy and connection. It's hard to fight someone who is asking you to talk about feelings. Another member takes the hot seat to discuss three topics. The first two involve current misunderstandings with his parents. In his words, "No good deed goes unpunished" and he describes two events where he tried to do something nice for his parents, he made some mistakes, the parents were angry at the results and didn't recognize the loving intention of his actions. He then discusses at length a situation with a romantic partner and her children. He describes an emotional connection with the children that is absent from the relationship with the woman. I am impressed by how willing he is to assert what he wants with the woman. How he breaks up the relationship when it's clear to him that she can't give him what he thinks he wants. After further discussion, he recognizes that the grief he is experiencing is substantially related to separating from the woman's children. He finds this ironic, given his lack of interest in being a parent. He also recognizes how the woman is ambivalent about emotional intimacy, drawing him into her life and then pushing him away when they get close. He recognizes that he does want an emotional connection with a woman, in spite of the places he has been lately looking. After this, I take the hot seat to discuss the role of intention in my witnessing an accident (FAQ, "Severing Fingers", 9-19-2009). I discuss how I feel somehow responsible for the accident, or some part of the accident. What's my part? What's the positive intention of my feelings? What is the positive intent for the man? The other tribe members can't see it, can't understand my guilt. I feel embarrassed that I am presenting something obscure or stupid. The chief asks about my earliest recollections of feeling in control. I describe my earliest memory of childhood, a few weeks before the birth of my younger brother. My mother asks me, "do I want a brother or sister?" and I respond, "I want a brother". She says I am going to have a younger brother and I feel as if I controlled the outcome. I tell the tribe about other experiences into adulthood where I feel I have the power to affect outcomes in other people's lives. The chief rhetorically suggests I start a business to make money at this. I tell a few more stories, I over-preface my comments, the chief notices I am "storytelling" and not talking about the problem. We talk at length about the causal model of understanding and how it differs from the responsibility model. We talk about the moment of now. Eventually, I find the "happy judge" and can better understand the meaning of my witnessing the accident. Another member tells about refusing to use hostility in a personal relationship of his own. His friend is prone to sniping verbal jabbing. He knows he is quite good at returning fire, often with crushing dispatch. But he is persistent in holding fire and asking the friend to talk about things on a feelings level. This disarms the friend who becomes willing to talk on a feelings level when it becomes clear that taunting does not pay off. The chief talks about a pastor he knows who wants to create a new church. The pastor says the most churches are in the business of "shame management" and the new church would operate without apologies, forgiveness, shame etc. I comment about a recent newspaper piece "Apology Not Accepted" that decries the forced act of public contrition that occurs when a person in the news (eg., entertainer, pro athlete, politician, etc.) does something that draws gasps of disapproval. The writer suggests that the intentionality of the act speaks for itself, that forcing an apology, especially a long drawn out apology is meaningless as it only serves to soothe the public's sense of outrage. I think about this as I recall an event that day where my 7 year old son collides with a little girl. She falls down crying, he gets up. I ask a third kid, "what happened?" and she says "[my son] pushed her", me: "was it an accident?", answer: "yes", my son: "it was an ACCIDENT" and I tell him to apologize anyway, then I rub it in for good measure, "say it like you mean it", then "look her in the eye and say it like you mean it". Which he does. Then the girl's mother tells her daughter, "ok, now you can forgive him". And it's only much later that I realize I didn't see what happened so I have no idea what anybody's intentions were that resulted in this "accident". But I know I don't want the shame of a brutish kid. But then when the "forgiveness" is forced by the mother, I see the absurdity of the forced "apology". Maybe next time we could watch the kids and see how they work it out themselves. That is, check for injuries, then let them talk it through, or not. And leave the parental "chatter" out.	Thank you for sharing your process.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009 Letting Go of His Girl Friend and His Dog Dear Support Team: The last week is an emotional time for me. My girlfriend and I decide to take a break for a while as things don't seem to working out as we would like them too. She is a great girl and it is difficult for me to let her go, but this is what she needs right now and I support her in this decision. I realize I cannot force her to do anything and we must both want to be together to make it work. Then yesterday, my dog ... a companion of 16 years passes away. She is not healthy now, but in the morning we walk out to the cottage roadway and back, a distance she normally is not able to go. In the afternoon, she refuses to be inside. I take her outside and leash her to a peg in the back yard. She seems content in the sun. She lays outside from about 3pm to 4pm as I check on her every few minutes. At 4pm, I go out to see her and she is gone. She pulls over the pole (a tough task for her I would assume) and walks away. I spend over two hours looking for her, but can not find her anywhere. Sad and heartbroken, I decide to walk to the dock and lay down for a while by the water. What I see there is beautiful. As I look towards the south, I see Masako. Not stiff, not crying, but happy! She makes her way from the cottage all the way down to the lake one last time!! From her position in the water, I can see that there is no struggle and she dies peacefully. I lift her supple body from the water and carry her back up the hill to bury her behind the cottage. After 16 years, she will forever be in her favorite resting place! I will miss you Masako. In regards to systems design, I continue to make progress and have many aha moments in the meantime. My current focus is on market selection and I am doing correlation studies to determine which markets I should include in my system. Originally, I run my system on 26 highly liquid markets for testing purposes, but do not spend time analyzing market selection. I also spend time working through the roadmaps and learning system dynamics. I do all of the exercises in EcoNowMics and enjoy this very much. Thank you Ed and Nick for your continuing efforts on this. I look forward to the conference and seeing everyone from the tribe! Thank you for supporting me.	Thank you for sharing your process.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009 Positive Feedback Models see previous Ed, Thank you for the explanation. I feel much clearer about this now. I have an aha-moment about non-linear systems. I know this is kind of picky and legalistic, so please feel free to tell me to let it go, BUT ... I looked up definitions of "rate" and find that: 1. A rate is a special kind of ratio, indicating a relationship between two measurements with different units, such as miles to gallons or cents to pounds. 2. A quantity measured with respect to another measured quantity: a rate of speed of 60 miles an hour. 3. A measure of a part with respect to a whole; a proportion: the mortality rate; a tax rate. 4. The cost per unit of a commodity or service: postal rates. 5. A charge or payment calculated in relation to a particular sum or quantity: interest rates. In many of the writings I find about system dynamics, Rate is not used in this fashion. It seems to indicate the amount or quantity that results when you multiply a level by a rate and not the rate itself. For example, "the Rate flows into the Level and increases it". Pursuant to the definitions I have found the Rate does not flow into the Level. The Rate determines the amount that flows into the Level. To say that the Rate increases the Level is not exactly accurate but may be a shorthand way of saying that the rate determines the amount by which the level increases. With regard to the topic of my previous email, it seems to me that there are two basic types of positive feedback systems: (1) a system in which the Rate increases as the Level increases, and (2) a system in which the Level increases while the Rate remains the same. Both are positive feedback systems but they have different structures.	Yes, in English, "rate" has many differing meanings. In EcoNowMics, Level and Rate and Gain have very specific meanings. If you enjoy being picky and legalistic, you might consider trying to chase down the definition of "cause" in Black's Law Dictionary. In our EcoNowMics work we demonstrate that causality is mythical and largely useful as a "legal" contrivance to justify (1) assignment of blame - usually to the entity with the deepest pockets or (2) the expansion of this or another agency.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009 Modeling Range of Movement Hi Ed, In order to gain some basic knowledge of Dynamic systems I read & complete the tutorials in Roadmaps 1,2 & 3 as well the EcoNowMics pages on your website and I play around & experiment with the free Vensim PLE software. It’s all good fun & very interesting stuff. To keep the fun going, I decide to try and model a particular situation that occurs in my life, namely the recovery from a soft tissue/muscle injury to my hip associated with a Yoga practice. Below is a model of what I believe is how a ‘normal’ recovery from such an injury might occur. It takes the form of a simple negative feedback system. The level “Current ROM” in this model represents the current Range of Movement of the injured area. The initial value I have set to 80, meaning that you have only 80% of the normal range of movement since you have sustained an injury. ( A value set to zero would indicate paralysis i.e. no movement at all) The variable “NORMAL ROM” represents the normal range of movement of the hip as defined by, say, genetics and/or environmental factors and is set to 100. Through the use of physical therapy and rehabilitative stretching, over time the level “Current ROM” approaches “NORMAL ROM”. The “gap” between the two is closed and you have recovered from your injury. The recovery is represented as the “recovery rate” which acts to increase the “Current ROM” Please see model and graphs attached below. As I say above, this is the ‘normal’ recovery process. My situation however is somewhat NON-normal in that it involves a chronic hip injury that I sustained whilst doing a Yoga practice many years ago. This injury results in a diminished Range of Movement (ROM) as well as some discomfort. With careful rehabilitative stretching, over time I can get back to 100% normal ROM, then I will crank up my Yoga practice and for a while everything is great until I do ‘something’ (i.e. overstretch or be out of alignment or whatever) and aggravate & injure the same area once again. O.k., back to rehabilitation and slow steady stretching once again. Again I get back to 100% ROM. Again I crank up my practice and again, in time, injure the same area . . . . ditto repeato . . . for years! The one saving grace is that with each relapse I gain (very slowly) knowledge of what not to do next time around. In other words my body consciousness (or awareness) increases and when I re-injure the area it’s not as bad as the last time around . . . . generally speaking here since it doesn’t always work that way. So having said all that I try to build a model that incorporates all the above and the result is shown below. I am not totally confident that I have done this correctly, so I welcome any suggestions or guidance that you may have for me. I include the equations to this model in the attached file "equation.txt". Please refer to these if you like. You may notice a ‘cheat variable’ called “UNIT CONVERTOR” in the model I use this since, try as I may, I am unable to get the units to match without this ‘cheat’. The level “Current ROM” is measured in mobility units (mu) and the level “Body Consciousness” is measured in consciousness units (cu) and I don’t know how to reconcile the two. Yes I know it’s a weasel way of doing things. This is my first attempt at a model and as I learn more about dynamic systems I hope to rectify this. Any tips from you would be greatly appreciated. O.k. the intriguing part of this model for me is the variable “BLACK BOX”. From the attached equations & the above single line diagram & graphs, this variable acts to reduce the “Current ROM” level once that level approaches it’s target of 100. That is, as you recover fully from your injury ‘something’ happens and you re-injure and your range of movement drops back down again. You recover again, then ‘something’ happens and you re-injure again etc, etc. To counter this effect, the level “Body Consciousness” feeds into the outflow “decline rate” and acts to reduce the effect of the outflow from “Current ROM” That is, as you gain awareness (or consciousness) you are less likely to injure yourself as badly next time around. After all that; I suppose my question is, how does one further explore what is going on in the “BLACK BOX” part of this system. I have absolutely no idea of what is going on in there. I can however see the effect it has on the system and that’s about it. This model, more or less, represents how I am currently operating in real life and this years long cycle of injury, recovery, injury, recovery is extremely frustrating. In fact it’s p***ing me off! (if you'll pardon the French) If I borrow from TTP principles I might say that one component of “BLACK BOX” could be a need to feel frustration (i.e. a frustration factor) and what better way to feel frustrated that to play the recovery-injury game. I would really like to eliminate the effect of “BLACK BOX” upon this system or at least increase the effect that “Body Consciousness” has on the decline rate such that the level “Current ROM” can reach its target of “NORMAL ROM” and stay there. I would think that to take the feelings of Frustration, Anger & Annoyance to tribe might be a good start. Do you have any other suggestions or advice on this model?	Thank you for sharing your process. Feedback Models help support the notion that your control policies are part of the system; this moves you out of the role of victim and into the role of system designer. The EcoNowMics article, Good Vibrations, has some hints and tips on model building.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009 Back to Basics Dear Ed [and support team], As you may know by now, I seem to invite certain people, especially women, to treat me without respect and humiliate me. It hampers my confidence. Ed makes the following comments regarding my drama: “When you discover the positive intention of the feeling of humiliation, the drama surrounding this feeling is likely to disappear.” “Playing for humiliation may be a "Rock" or automatic pattern you employ as a way to deal with intimacy.” “Your [negative] judgment about humiliation is consistent with your pattern of attracting drama in which the payoff is that you get to feel humiliation.” Well, it looks like I am finally able to connect the dots regarding my humiliation drama. Playing for humiliation is an automatic pattern from my childhood. As a four-year old I crave my mother’s attention. She doesn’t give me much attention in a positive way, and I discover the benefits of mis-behaving. She reacts like a wasp to what she considers disrespect, and sets out to teach me who is boss by humiliating me. I fight and defy her. As a result I get lots and lots of 'attention'. She becomes a Spartan mother. She starts to treat me harshly habitually. She turns the tables on me. I become the sitting duck. I start to accept her punishment. I slowly give up defying her, arguing with her, or doing bad things behind her back. I expect to be abused and I fear the man behind my mother (my father) who backs her up. I become timid and withdrawn. I unlearn to be assertive. (As a result I apparently still radiate that humiliating me is OK; it can be done without consequences.) Back to the Now After chewing on the topic of humiliation and social confidence by means of these BW reports, Ed’s comments, your support, and several hot seats, I start to notice subtle habits that show my lack of assertiveness in the interaction with my girlfriend. I consider my girlfriend a very nice person, often too soft towards other people. But it appears that I am even softer than she is. Example: When she watches her tv-programs, I go do something else, for example computer work. But when I watch my programs, she sits with me and keeps making negative comments, for example how boring it is. She keeps on being negative until I can’t enjoy my program anymore and I switch the channel. Three weeks ago, I ask myself why she has more tv-rights than me. I can’t come up with any good reason. This is just how things have evolved between us. So once again I am watching a program I like, and she whines about that great show she wants to see. Never mind that she just watched another show for two hours, while I was working on my computer. Normally I would give in, but now I dig in my heels and I tell her that this is MY time to watch. She keeps arguing, but I point out the unfairness of it. She concedes and disappears. Later she comes back and joins me. From small cues I gather that she feels guilty. Funny!! She never felt guilty before tonight, but now that I stand up for my rights and she gives in, she feels guilty. In the next few weeks I notice other areas in our relationship where she usually has it her way. Small stuff I find quite unimportant. For example: what to watch, what to eat, what restaurant to go to, what time to go to bed, etc. But it adds up. I make it a point to get all my preferences heard AND al least 50% satisfied. We have several incidents: she wants it her way, but I get mine. I am making it a habit to stand up for myself. In other words: I am working on being a better Sender. Some days later I have an assertiveness / humiliation incident with my girlfriends’ landlord. After returning from the USA a couple of months ago I move in with my girlfriend. A couple of weeks ago I find another, bigger house. The current landlord makes a concession. As a result we turn down the new house and stay where we are (for now). A week later the landlord tries to pull out of his concession, despite the fact that he confirmed it by email. My first (auto-pilot) reaction is to let it pass. But then I experience the anger in me, and the fact that I feel humiliated. Who does he think we are: Pushovers??? Apparently... So, I dig in again. Basically I tell him to get lost. Also I ask him whether he noticed that my name is not [name_1, name_2 or name_3], but [actual name]. What is it with this guy who frequently spells my name wrong, in otherwise flawless letters? As a result for standing up, I have feelings of fear and I lose sleep. I also feel dazed during the day, I can’t think clearly. I am surprised by this. I completely stand in my right, so what is there to fear, or lose sleep over? A lousy security deposit??? The big difference between a year ago (pre-TTP) and now is that I am aware of these feelings and I don’t avoid them anymore. Magically the feelings disappear, if only after a day. I knew I had an assertiveness-issue, but I didn’t know the problem was my subconscious avoidance of the accompanying feelings of fear. It gives me the insight that there is very little reason to fear. I feared the fear, no more, no less. After my initial sorrow, I feel very good about standing up to both my girlfriend and others, like that landlord. The landlord seems to have mysteriously vaporized after my angry reply; haven’t heard from him since. I also notice something else. My mild lower back pain has disappeared. I suffered from it for longer than I care to remember, but it’s gone. Whether it’s related to assertiveness remains to be seen. I did a hot seat on this back pain at the Reno Workshop. At the time I thought the pain was a result from sitting on a chair for hours on end (which I am not used to). Now I think it might have to do with my Rocks Process earlier that day (being humiliated by my mother) and not expressing my anger during the process as a new resource rock. The lower back pain also reminds me of a period when I tried to appease my parents. As a result I suffered intense back pain. So I knew the pain was related to my parents, but I didn’t know how. Now I do. Both lower back pain and humiliation drama result from myself not being assertive. The positive intention of both feeling humiliated and feeling lower back pain is to be more assertive: to express my point of view, to make myself heard, to disappoint others occasionally, to accept being a jerk occasionally, to feel guilty sometimes. I want to thank you, support team, and especially Ed, for helping me solve this issue. I will keep you informed on the hard work that must follow the insight: changing the habit.	Thank you for sharing your process - and for inspiring others. Sometimes, Releasing the Burden helps you get your back back. Clip: http://scienceblogs.com/deepseanews/ atlas2.jpg
Monday, September 28, 2009 Causality in the Classroom Ed, From my son's first grade classroom. In the Language Arts section: "With our literature series we are working on cause and effect. We are discussing the reason certain things happen in a story. As you read stories to your child talk about what is causing certain things to happen in the story." I feel unsure how to re-write this to reflect the responsibility model and make it understandable for a 1st grader. Please reply with comments. I think it's okay to post this in the FAQ.	Thank you for your report. Causality is one of our great cultural myths. Others are past-and-future and fairness. Together these and other myths provide a way for people to control each other. Releasing these myths can promote personal and societal freedom and growth.
Monday, September 28, 2009 Seattle Tribe Dear Ed, Enclosed is our information for a new tribe.	Welcome Seattle
Monday, September 28, 2009 Questions on Positive Feedback Ed, I enjoy reading the systems work you and Nick are doing. I feel I am learning much. Here is my latest question: It occurs to me that my confusion around positive feedback, rates and levels reflects confusion around this area in the literature. I check several definitions and references for positive feedback and see that they do not make a clear distinction between feedback that increases the output or level, and feedback that increases the rate (which then increases the output / level at an even greater pace). An example of positive feedback that increases the output or level is compound interest at 5%. The rate is fixed and does not increase over time but the level increases by a greater and greater amount each loop. Most definitions I find say that this is positive feedback even though the rate is remains at 5% and does not increase. An example of positive feedback that increases the rate would be a savings account that pays 5% up to $10,000 and then 6% up to $100,000 and then 7% above $100,000. In this example, as the level increases above $10,000 the rate increases and thus the level increases at an even faster rate than before. Both are examples of positive feedback. Positive feedback that increases level could be called positive feedback, and positive feedback that increases rates and levels could be called something else ... like super positive feedback or something else that captures the essence of this phenomena.	In the interest and capital model, The LEVEL, principal balance is an amount of money ($). The RATE, flow of money into the account is an amount of money per time ($/year). The GAIN, "interest rate" that the bank quotes as, say 5% is actually the system gain or the reciprocal of the time constant. The units of this gain are ($ payment-per-year / $ principal) = %/year; In the case of 5%/year the time constant is 20 years. Positive feedback normally describes the reinforcing behavior of the level and the rate. If the gain is also a function of the level, (Examples: you get a variable interest rate, depending on your balance) you have a non-linear system, with variable gain. In such case, if the gain goes negative, you have a negative feedback system.
Monday, September 28, 2009 Tennessee Ernie Ford (Clone) On Politics Dear Ed, I thought you might enjoy this clip: a little levity to mitigate the misery Two Trillion Tons	Controllers are generally very effective in dealing with their subjects' fear and anger. They are generally defenseless against humor and derision. When Anger and Fear of Authority turn to humor and laughter hope for freedom returns. Clip: http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/ Articles/2110783/clown1-main_Full.jpg
Monday, September 28, 2009 Checking In Dear Tribe; I am feeling frustrated with myself. My returns are still bubbling below profit. I feel frustrated. I am reflecting that the Donchian 90/330 EMA crossover system I am using is Long Term. If you think about it, It's really a year (330 trading days), and a season (90 days). I am torn between thinking that this is just a drawdown, on a long term system, and that this is just plain old mistake. I have finished reading the FAQ's and started on the EcoNowMics. I am thoroughly befuddled. 4 days of travel 4 days of gym 3 days of talking to VCs - Venture Capital is all about talk, talk, talking.	Thank you for checking in. Your actual trading system comprises your mathematical system plus your ability to follow it. You might consider taking your feelings about <drawdowns> and <following your system> to Tribe.
Monday, September 28, 2009 Antics in Antwerp This video was made in the Antwerp, Belgium Central (Train) Station on March 23, 2009, with no warning to the passengers passing through the station. At 8:00 a.m. a recording of Julie Andrews singing "Do, Re, Mi" begins to play on the public address system. As the bemused passengers watch in amazement, some 200 dancers begin to appear from the crowd and station entrances. They created this amazing stunt with just two rehearsals. Clip: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7EYAUazLI9k (Movie)	Thank you for reporting this random act of music.
Monday, September 28, 2009 From Control to Intimacy Dear Ed [and support team], I report in on my Big Wave (I give my wife and children all my love and support, and I base my relationships on intimacy). Thank you for the feedback after my previous report (Friday, September 4, 2009: "From Control to Intimacy"). Many of you point that I am the only one who can give myself a pass / no pass. I thought that I was ready and stopped reporting, but I change my mind. I see that it is possible and tempting to fall back to manipulation. It is plainly much easier, and everybody has decades of practice. Intimacy yields completely different results, but you have to want them, to like it, and to work on yourself. It is not hopeless: many of my responses are meanwhile automatic, and I expect this process to continue. But I have to be aware. I feel that intimacy is a way of living and not a goal. I previously reported that my wife is afraid of me and of intimacy (Monday, July 20, 2009: "Control Centric to Intimacy Centric Relating"). I was annoyed about it, thinking "how can she be afraid of me after all these years!". I realize that, by doing that, I impede her to experience her feelings. I stop wondering about it, I receive and acknowledge her feelings. Some days later she mentions that the fear is gone. Since then she is astoundingly opener for physical intimacy. I realize how much I still have to work on myself. I experience how fulfilling and joyful an intimacy-based relationship is: two people taking care of each other, sharing physical contact, talking to each other, asking about opinions and feelings, and finding solutions for daily problems. But it does not last long. My wife feels hurt as she hears something I say to my daughter about how she treats her ("it is like in jail"). For two and half days she shuts down, denies communication, and avoids physical contact. I don't know what is going on. It is again "It is 7:00 AM" and not "Good morning, dear", it is again "I am angry and turn on the TV" instead of telling me about what bothers her. I develop insomnia. In the morning I think "c*, another day in front of me". I am very sad and think "my wife treats me like a piece of s*". I let the feeling flow and experience an outburst of laugh. Of course! And that is why she avoids touching me! I remember Ed mentioning that "people with control issues are typically un-willing to surrender control" (April 27, 2009: "Tantrum: A Resource for Controlling Others"). Maybe in a control-centered relationship both partners try to control the other using different methods (Saturday, August 15, 2009: "From Control to Intimacy"). She likely uses certain resources to warrant survival under stress: she mentions terror as a legitimate way to handle our children. I see that the main issue in our relationship, the lack of communication (physical, verbal, emotional), is still present. I feel like living in a minefield: everything is OK as long as I don't move, but a single step in the wrong direction and it goes boom. And I feel that her threshold for feeling attacked is very low (Sunday, August 2, 2009, "Opening the Faucet"). I move towards my wife, but with each temper tantrum and each shutting down I feel more distant and less motivated to keep on working on our relationship. I tell my wife that it is the same story as before, that the last days were unfulfilling, and that I don't want to re-start the drama "You feel bad / I fix you / you reject me". I tell her that I really want our marriage to work, but I don't know how, and ask her about her opinion. She makes excuses, is evasive, and finally tells me what she heard, and that an attitude of mine reminded her of a painful situation in her teens. I acknowledge her feelings and apologize. She mentions that I am acting like a therapist. I keep on receiving her and telling her that she is very important to me and I am really sorry if I hurt her feelings. She does not respond. And suddenly something strange happens: as I look at her I clearly see, like x-rayed, the child she once was, just recurring to a strategy to cope with emotional distress, swallowing her feelings, digging them deep inside, shutting down, avoiding communication. I realize again that it is just her way to react, and it is OK, just as wrong or right like having brown hair or green eyes. With all my empathy and kindness I say that I completely accept it. She repeats that I am judging her. I tell her that it is OK to shut down and swallow the feelings, but that this has been killing our relationship for years. She mentions that it is not OK, that it is not good to swallow the feelings, that she feels incomplete and wrong. I acknowledge her, I even acknowledge her not accepting herself. What a terrible waste, such a magnificent opportunity to open our hearts, to show our weakness and our needs, to create an intimate bridge between us! But it does not happen. The following days I observe a notorious change in the way my wife relates to our children: she is telling them about her feelings and asking them for their opinion, not plainly giving orders, shouting and threatening. We talk. She mentions that for her it is very difficult to feel her feelings, and impossible to talk about them. I accept her the way she is. But later she mentions "You said that I should talk about my feelings and suggested that not doing that is wrong". I mention that I do not tell people what they should do. I receive several times contradictory information from her, I feel uncertain and don't know what I can trust. We talk again. She mentions that I should reduce my expectations and accept the relationship the way it is. I remember her mentioning several times that she cannot yield what I need in terms of communication, physical contact, and intimacy. She mentions that she is unable to talk with people, she just "works ... like a robot, like a machine". Her eyes are full with tears; I ask her if she wants to cry, and she answers "it makes no sense"; she also refuses to talk more about it. I realize that I am really tempted to leave her. The next day I tell her about my feelings, and that I am thinking about leaving. We talk for several hours. She is very calm and mentions that she cannot decide for me; she mentions that she wants me to stay, and that she wants to change. I tell her that it does make no sense to change just to satisfy me; she would renounce to herself, and would be unhappy. I just want to allow her to be herself and not force her to change in any direction. I don't know if she can follow me in this path. I observe some willingness to move toward intimacy, but wonder if she will be able to do it. My role is to support her. Again, I am thankful if you point at inconsistencies or deficits.	Thank you for sharing your process and your journey.
Monday, September 28, 2009 From Adversarial Relating to Alliance Relating From Control-Centric to Intimacy-Centric Ed, I am a member of my local Tribe for about two and a half years and attend two sessions led by Ed on his visits to [State]. In that time, I am on the hotseat about fifty times, including two Rocks Process sessions with my local Tribe and a Decision Process led by Ed. I am also part of the circle of encouragement for fellow Tribe members about two hundred times and contribute about six or eight entries to FAQ. From Tribe Work, I notice I much more clearly see the world as it is. Formerly, I viewed other people as foes who wanted to dominate me and prevent me from doing what I want. Now, I much better see that each other person has his or her own agenda without reference to me, and that I created systems in which I can be dominated and prevented from doing what I want. I better see what I do want and I more effectively act to gain it. I engage in more intimacy-centric relating, especially with my wife, but also with my newborn son and even my dog. I feel greater closeness and contentment when I do so. When I engage in control-centric relating, I am better able to see my unproductive behaviors and change them. I notice I make more progress toward my goals. For example, I stick to my trading system for the last two and a half years, which is far longer than I ever stuck to any previous trading approach I followed. Finally, I have a better, and continually evolving, understanding of my right livelihood. As I currently best understand it, my right livelihood is to help good people do great things. My clarity in understanding my right livelihood strengthens my pursuit of my goals; helps me avoid certain behaviors which are [medicinal] and not productive in pursuit of my goals; lets me see that seemingly disparate goals (for example, fiction writing success and trading success) are equally valid routes to embodying my right livelihood; and helps me prioritize my various goals (for example, writing at least one good novel a year is far more important to me than having $100,000,000 under management). My clarity also lets me see that certain objectives I perceived as being important (for example, seeking physical pleasures for their own sake, and amassing possessions for their own sake) are irrelevant or counterproductive to right livelihood; I am less inclined to pursue those objectives.	Thank you for sharing your process and for inspiring others.
Monday, September 28, 2009 Tribe Meeting Feedback Ed, Thank you for leading our group last week. We all benefited from the participation in the Rocks process. I really liked to hear what you had to say about our non-linear world, and the work that is being done on the Economic model. Hopefully this will stimulate a larger group to consider the benefit of this kind of analysis. Next time you are in town, please let us know if you have the time to lead another group. All the comments by group members was very favorable after our last meeting with you.	Thank you for supporting the work.
Monday, September 28, 2009 Lots of Energy Hi Ed! I have not written for some time now. The reason is - everything is great :-) I have put so much effort into becoming better. 15 years ago I had a very strong period. Everything was improving - sports, education grades, feelings and happiness. I lost that feeling and have searched for it since then. Step by step I have forced myself to do the right things but it has been tough. Very often all things that seems to be correct has been effortless and psychologically demanding. You can not change a man in a split second! I have now understood that I have done the right thing, increased my goals slowly and never given up. Today I think I could have made it much, much faster. At least with my current knowledge. The missing part was the discipline since I couldn't take the feelings that came up in resistance to the goal. So what have I done? I think the following list describes the most important parts: - Count everything I wanted to improve - Start a Tribe and have people to acknowledge my situation without judging it - Biking 20km every day (to work and back) - Stop eating candy when I am alone (and watching TV). Only at parties when the energy is needed - Training to express my feelings and avoid letting people insulting you without telling them - Vitamins and minerals added to an already wise food habit including lots of fruits and vegetables - Let myself eat until I am satisfied without judging it - Go to bed early when I am tired - Having inspiring habits like playing guitar - Create trading rules I can follow - Talk a lot about my feelings whenever I feel like it, without judging it - Let my feelings be input rather than output. - Do a lot of physical work in my garden, like cutting trees, carry rocks, creating a lawn and much more. - Send my progress to my Tribe friends at a regular basis - Give me benefits to buy things I want after a goal is fulfilled - Send Ed Seykota emails and get interesting feedback Now I have much more energy. That is what everyone is searching for I guess. Nothing is particularly boring when you have lots of energy. (Everything can be boring when you don't have energy). Thanks for your support. Much of what you have said has helped me. I have only just started! Now the real progress is coming - I can feel it!	Thank you for sharing your process - and for inspiring others. High Energy is what you experience when you stop spending your resources on medication. Clip: http://www.flickr.com/photos/ outdoor-photography/3818715791/
Monday, September 28, 2009 Pass-Through Benefits of Rocks Process: Dealing with Bullies Ed, Some days before the Reno workshop, while leaving the subway I almost collide with a guy. He shouts “watch where you put your feet”. I feel irritated, and in fact much too irritated for the small event. For several days I wonder about the appropriated reaction. During the Reno Workshop a participant works on his issue “I bully a younger child” on the hotseat. As he is ready with it I experience myself an outburst of emotion. I remember having problems with bullies in my childhood. I also remember you mentioning that by resolving his issue, the participant is doing a lot for the healing of all other participants, namely teaching us “how to handle bullies”. A couple of days ago I again almost collide with a person while biking. He angrily shouts at me “you are riding on the wrong road!” (in fact, he is on the wrong side). But I stay completely relaxed and answer “Thank you for your advice”. He stares at me and is infuriated. I experience a similar event a couple of days later, and my reaction is the same: spontaneous, relaxed, appropriated. I realize that my reaction is substantially changed after the workshop, although I was not myself on the hot seat.	Thank you for sharing your process. In The Bully Game Restaurant all the diners are on the menu. Clip: http://www.intarttiles.com/RK/RK-028- The%20Food%20Chain.jpg
Sunday, September 27, 2009 Rocks Process - Unconscious About Math Ed, I write to report my process. Thank you for suggesting the Tribe meeting and for working with me through the rocks process. I also thank [Names] for taking the time to support me through my process. I take the hot seat. Ed asks me what my issue is. I tell Ed that I have an issue with not being able to do simple math. I go through confusion, feelings of frustration and helplessness when I have a problem to solve. Ed asks me what’s wrong with that. I say that I don’t like this and it stops me from doing the things I want to do. I feel embarrassment and shame for not being able to do simple stuff. Ed asks me to think of a time when I feel embarrassment, shame and helplessness. I notice a time when I am about 8 years old when I barely pass a math test in school and my junior school teacher asks me to get sign off from my parents for my lousy results. I take my test home. I don’t present it to my parents until the next morning before my father drives me to school. I give my father the test and ask him to sign it so I can give it back to my teacher. My father starts to discuss this with my mother and asks her why I am not doing well in my math tests. He tells her that she must help me more with my math. I have an issue with numbers from a young age where I get numbers the other way round e.g. 6+6=21 even though I know the answer is 12. I am also over weight, speak with a lisp, don’t wear my shoes the right way round and cannot tie my shoe laces. My father has a discussion with my mother and tells her to spend more time with me and help me learn my numbers properly. He gets at me through my mother and makes me feel like a real loser. My mother does not do a great job at defending me. She listens to my father, passively and just tells him that she helps me and I can do the math verbally. I feel intense feelings of shame and embarrassment as I think about this event from my childhood. My chest is heavy and I start to cry. I don’t usually cry. It comes naturally to me this time. I have a build-up of intense frustration, shame and embarrassment. It all comes out as I sit there crying and thinking about this event in my life. I feel that I am not stupid or incapable of doing the math. My mind goes blank as I face a challenge when I work with math. When I get stuck as I work on something, I go into myself and just become numb. I sit there staring at my problem, sometime for hours as I frantically try to find a solution. I want the problem to go away. I don’t want to feel dumb or stupid. I end up feeling more dumb for not being able to work through my problem and sometimes make it worse by being persistent and not giving up, taking a break etc. Ed asks if I want to work on this problem. I feel some fear about this but I am confident that I want to resolve this issue. We set up the rocks process. Two tribe members role play my parents as Ed manages the process. We reenact this event in my life where my father has a discussion with my mother in my presence and berates me for not doing good enough in my math tests. I keep my shoulders and head down as he berates me. I notice feeling shame, tightness in my chest and also feeling stupid for not being able to solve simple math problems. My mother gives me the rock. The response pattern is to: look down or look the other way and everything will be ok. This too shall pass! This is my pattern in life. Every time I face a challenge in life I look down or the other way. I medicate by becoming numb and blocking my feelings. I feel nothing. My response to math challenges and other life challenges: say nothing, do nothing, feel nothing. I don’t want this response anymore. During the rocks process Ed and other Tribe members suggest different response patterns I may use to deal with math problems and other challenges. My new rock includes the following response patterns: 1) look up and face my father, or my challenges, 2) ask the other person about how they feel about the situation, 3) be open and share how I feel about my confusion and difficulties, 4) take a break from my math or other problems, go to the gym or do something else to clear my mind, 5) ask myself for the answer and let my subconscious give me the answer and 6) use the 5% solution in the extreme cases where it might be best to put my head down, look the other way and go numb. I feel exhaustion and emotional drain after the rocks process. I also feel peaceful and at rest with my issue. I notice that I don’t feel guilt about having negative feelings about my father even though he passes away many years ago when I am still a child. I commit to using my new resources when I face challenges in math or other situations in my work. Over the past couple of days I become even more aware how my response to difficult situations in my life is to look down and pretend it never happens or ignore it until it goes away. This is not usually the case. Issues escalate, I have more drama and I end up suppressing emotions more. I do not want this response pattern. I commit to report on my progress of this issue as I use the response patterns in my rock. Thank you Ed for your willingness to guide me on my journey towards growth and right livelihood.	Thank you for sharing your process. Perhaps you can report back in case you start experiencing some Math-a-Magic in your life.
Sunday, September 27, 2009 Rocks Process Report: Swift and Substantial Dear Ed, Thank for showing me how to trade 17 years ago. I was able to make large returns consistently by using a Trend trading method. I was making a large fortune in all different types of investments, businesses and trading but kept on riding the cycle of boom and bust for some reason. Knowing the top and bottom of the businesses cycle I just couldn't take a profit at the peak but keep on taking more risk with my partners. I had a problem with not being able to say no to projects others wanted me to do or increase exposure in when I knew I should get out or not participate in the project at all. Last week you did The Rocks process for me. It was amazing. For years I did not know my repeated patterns came from my childhood experiences. With my knowledge, experiences and resources I couldn't excel to my potential due to subconscious behaviors. You found the source of my problems and effectively removed them from me also gave some new resources to use. The next day after The Rock process things changed in a mysterious way. I said no to a couple of deals at closing immediately. Some how my mind was clear as a crystal. I feel a tremendous surge of energy in my mind. The light in my condo elevators seem to be brighter. I don't feel sleepy or stressed out at all even when working on several problem situations at the same time. Some of the trades I told my wife to put on a couple weeks ago I didn't even know that they were filled and are making 50% return and more. The people I couldn't collect money are paying up after I used my Rock resources. The banker extended the credit line on my partners project after months of calling us to pay the note off. My fear of riding the business cycle evaporated because I already have a new strategy to handle them. I am deeply grateful to you for helping me go through this process last week and hope to see you more.	Thank you for sharing your process. Congratulations on your swift and substantial progress. Perhaps we can meet again in another 17 years, say in 2026.
Sunday, September 27, 2009 Reflections on Gettysburg Ed, A couple of months ago I hypothesize about government size and probability of war. As I look at case studies, I notice a feeling that seems to be driving my research. It's a feeling that everything I remember from my high school history class, and what I take to be the common interpretation of history, is BS. I guess it is a judgment on accepting other people's interpretations instead of making my own. For example: millions of people know the Gettysburg Address by heart. Millions more know its ultimate phrase about government of, by and for the people. I recall my understanding of this phrase as Lincoln's definition of the form of government he is fighting for. "...we here highly resolve that these dead shall not have died in vain; that this nation, under God, shall have a new birth of freedom; and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth." In the moment of now, my old interpretation makes no sense to me. Gettysburg claims 25,000 American casualties. Over 600,000 die in the Civil War. The government this country has after the war is not by them and not for them. Those on the Confederate side fight to determine their own form of government, one distinct from Lincoln's. New York Draft Riots tell me many Yankees don't see the Federal government as by or for them. I ask myself, perhaps this government is by or for the slaves which the war eventually emancipates? Five score years after Gettysburg, Martin Luther King, Jr. has a dream that one day it may be. When Lincoln wins the election in November 1860, there are 33 states in the Union. There are 26 when he takes the oath, and 22 a month into his presidency. The trend is clear enough, and Lincoln is willing to fight against it. My new interpretation of the Gettysburg Address is that the words about people are filler. What I hear Lincoln say is that more Americans must die so that his government shall not perish from the earth. Clip: a rather stern Government for the people from http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File: Government-Vedder-Highsmith-detail-2.jpeg	Thank you for sharing your research. You might consider taking your feelings about your findings to Tribe.
Saturday, September 26, 2009 IV Tribe Meeting Report: Breaking Up With a Girl Friend and Locating Another Dear Ed, I arrive at the Tribe meeting heavy with sadness. My chest aches and my limbs feel lethargic and weighted. I broke up with my girlfriend of 3 months exactly one week earlier. I am looking for a friend, a partner, a companion, intimacy. My ex-girlfriend is interested in none of that. In fact, the final “clue” that her intentions and preferences are not congruent with mine, a “clue” that finally precipitates me informing her I do not want to be with her, is her informing me of her relationship dynamic preference. “I prefer to go out with married men, this would be easier if you had a girlfriend and you just cheated on her with me”, she informs. Her ideal relationship is one based on deception, superficiality, casual sex, and choosing men that reinforce her belief system that men are (as she frequently states) not to be trusted, liars, cheaters and abusive. A belief system held to, and reinforced by her subsequent choices in men, since she was tragically raped as a teenager. So why am I so sad? I BROKE UP WITH HER. I RECOGNIZED WE WANT DIFFERENT THINGS. MY STATED DESIRES AND ACTIONS ARE CONSISTENT. “THE TREND WENT AGAINST ME, SO I STOPPED MYSELF OUT”. So why I am so sad? I am sad that, I believe, that I have been a party to a reoccurring drama within this woman’s life. And more importantly, in her daughter’s life. I believe I am sad because I am yet another man her daughter has become close to, only to watch that man leave, and never be seen again. My ex has 2 children. 1 boy & 1 girl. Ed astutely observes, and questions me, to learn that I AM NOT sad about missing the boy. The boy was constantly creating “scenes” and “dramas” to distract his mother from me. Whenever his mother, and / or sister, would display affection toward me, he would interrupt the moment and sabotage. The boy was overtly aggressive and disapproving of me. Ed accurately interprets this behavior, the same as I, that this is the boy’s defense mechanism to protect his priority and status within his mother and sister’s life as, both his mother and sister, became more attached to me. But I do so miss the daughter. The protective and nurturing feelings toward the daughter are new to me. In past, I have so little affection and interest in children I choose to get a vasectomy at the age of 25. But I have loved the past couple months of helping the daughter with her homework as mom cooks dinner, taking the kids to school, working on their house, taking the kids and their mother on trips, introducing them to new experiences and places. The daughter shows me affection through hugs, wanting to ride on my shoulders when all of us are out, and genuine appreciation when I am able to help her with homework her mother mother is unable to help with. Remarkably fast into the process, Ed recognizes that all the things I say I am looking for, I had found in the daughter. Appreciation, care, friendship, a connection. The heavy sad feelings I arrive at the meeting with disappear instantly and I laugh out loud. I feel light and am amused I couldn’t see the obvious. Before the tribe meeting adjourns, I receive a voicemail from a friend that says she has a very sweet girlfriend that would like to meet me. The next day, I have a wonderful date with yet another kind, affectionate, beautiful woman. These women seems to display, and be consistent, with all the traits I desire. I go on the hot seat and even before the meeting is complete, I am relieved of sadness and I am presented with women that have the attributes I desire. Thank you Ed, and tribe, for helping me clear a space to attract what I truly want. Amazing.	Thank you for sharing your process. The Relationship You Have ... ... Is Usually the Relationship You Want Clips: http://inthenickeroftime.wordpress.com/ http://ammaryasir.wordpress.com/2007/11/
Saturday, September 26, 2009 Surveillance see previous Dear Teacher, Did you mean "You might consider the positive intention of [the] feeling of surveillance." I thought in TTP we do not logically defend or understand the action for the feeling it causes? But rather consider the positive intention of the feeling itself.	Thank you for reporting the results of your astute surveillance of this site. The item now stands with feeling.
Friday, September 25, 2009 Delay, Time and Frequency Ed, You have a thought, "there is a delay between sending the email and getting the response." You have that thought in the ever-evolving moment of now.	"Sending the email" and "getting the response" are both events. In the Causal Model, events occur in the past and in the future and the first one "causes" the second one. In EcoNowMics, an "event" is merely a particular combination of all the co-evolving state variables. It has no "causal" effect on anything. All People Drink Water Later on they die. Therefore, speaking causally, drinking water causes death. Health Food Clips: http://roolily.files.wordpress.com/ 2008/07/glass-of-water1.jpg http://www.drunkard.com/issues/52/images /driven-to-drink-hdr.jpg
Friday, September 25, 2009 Toward Right Livelihood Ed, When people come to see the positive intention of "losing" a job, or a company they stop looking to the government to "save" them from moving toward Right Livelihood.	Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I wonder how you think people can come to see positive intentions - as this process is central to the work of TTP.
Friday, September 25, 2009 Integration Ed, Ed Says: You might consider taking your feelings about <I can't integrate it> to the hot seat. In the TTP version, we all connect with other, and stay in connection, before, during and after the Breathwork.	Connection with your Tribe can provide an environment in which you can investigate your feelings about <integration>.
Friday, September 25, 2009 Radio Head Returns Ed, You report that tuning into the noise consciously. This results in silence.	Thank you for sharing your process. Sometimes Static is the Sound of your own resistance. One positive intention of the sound of static is to remind you to tune in. clip: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_33PfaMG9olM/ SjOd3BYjkoI/AAAAAAAAAWk/Al2d39fklY4/S660/ OldTimeRadio+3.jpg
Friday, September 25, 2009 Connecting with Music and With Sons Hi Ed, I become interested in learning guitar while enjoying “butt time”. I watch some YouTube videos that interest me. I decide to purchase a guitar. I send an email regarding purchase and receive an email back from [musician] with his personal cell phone number. I discuss with [him] about a guitar and he comments he is in [city] and has his own show there and would I just like to take a short drive and see him perform and he will show me his guitars after the show … if so he will put VIP passes out for me and whomever I would like to bring. I immediately think of my oldest son - who I would like to connect with - who has been into guitar for some years now. I call him and he is very interested in seeing [musician] perform and asks me “when did you become interested in guitar?”, he seems stunned a little about that, anyway, he is very positive. We are booked with VIP tickets. Earlier in the week I had expressed the intention to my youngest son, that I wanted to find a way to connect with my oldest son, but in a different way than how we interacted as father / son while he grows up. So the universe connects me with one of the best guitar players in the world - amazing!!	Thank you for sharing your process.
Thursday, September 24, 2009 Econometrics Dear Mr. Ed, I'm curious about your insight on econometrics. I want to use some econometrics techniques in developing a trading system and I feel hopeful that you can pass me some insights on how to use these techniques with respect to trend following. Thank you for all you do Ed. I am committing 4 hours a day now to "trading development."	Econometrics is the application of statistical methods to economics. Econometrics comes in various flavors: 1. Study what we can measure; ignore the rest. 2. Look for correlations and call them causes. 3. Ignore the solution interval in simulations. 4. Assume supply and demand are static curves. 5. Justify the conclusion that stimulates funding. EcoNowMics is an attempt to investigate economic theories by defining assumptions and noticing the behavioral implications of these assumptions.
Thursday, September 24, 2009 Batman Who is Batman?	Batman is a nickname various people use for Robin, who manages my office, handles correspondence, preps this column and otherwise keeps Gotham safe. Keeping Gotham Safe
Thursday, September 24, 2009 Existence of God Hello, I am still available although we have had no meetings recently. I also must get caught up on the newer process. Here is my updated listing. Notice my recent member success. Cool link. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldHF6PFUukw	Thank you for the clip. Some People Hold God as a Concept and defend their concept, sometimes to the death. Others hold God as a verb and act accordingly. Clip: http://1.bp.blogspot.com/_ Fr2AB6jHSM/Sp2KeRwwlSI/ AAAAAAAABMc/U_bEBHItGe4/s400/god.jpg
Thursday, September 24, 2009 Energy Level In an Up-Trend Thanks for your e-mail. The [City, State] tribe hasn’t met since May when I had to take a break from life as I knew it to deal with blood cancer and associated complications. I feel pretty good now and my energy level is in an up-trend. I intend to survive and I am gradually resuming “normal” activities. The Tribe is still in its infancy, with only 2 committed members. We hope to resume Tribe meetings soon, and trust that more members will materialize. Thank you for all your great works and inspiration.	Thank you for sharing your process.
Thursday, September 24, 2009 Looking For a Tribe Hi Ed, I've sent multiple emails to the TT's in my area, I've not gotten a single response. are they defunct?	We are surveying the Tribes in the directory to determine which ones are currently on line. Meanwhile, you can start your own.
Thursday, September 24, 2009 Pot ... Not: Former Stoner Embraces Rocks Ed, I woke up about 6 weeks ago and said enough was enough. I was a pretty hardcore marijuana user and it sure did not help my performance, anyway wanted to give credit where credit is due.	Thank you for sharing your process. Marijuana can be "medicinal." Clip: http://medicalmarijuanasociety.org/ yahoo_site_admin/assets/images/ Pot_Leaf.9200105.jpg
Thursday, September 24, 2009 Surviving Surveillance I am personally no longer active. I dropped the Tribe when Bush Jr. got his Surveillance Bill passed 1:15 pm, June 20, 2008. I felt I could not continue to perform in the Tribe meeting with my fellow members since America was no longer a free country and they were Republicans who agreed with Bush's action. I was afraid I would be too disruptive to the meetings. I still receive e-mail occasionally and refer it on to other Tribes. I told them to contact Ed and put one of themselves in my place, but for some reason they never did. I still believe the principles of TTP are an excellent basis for my personal behavior evaluation, and meditate on them daily. Best of luck to Ed and Tribes everywhere,	Thank you for sharing your process. You might consider the positive intention of the feeling of surveillance. Surveillance provides information and sometimes it also provides justification. Clip: http://l.yimg.com/static.widgets.yahoo.com/ shots/36760-shot.jpg
Thursday, September 24, 2009 Passing Aha Hi Ed, Yes there's still a group of us that's been meeting now for like five years. There's a core of three of us. The fact is though, that we've moved away from practicing actual TTP. I'm afraid we've become something of the Old Boys Club… We're still a support group for each other, but I'm thinking that traders interested in TTP might be best served in a group that was practicing it similar to Ed's process. So it probably fair to take [City] off your list. We'll still continue to visit the Trading Tribe site as it's always interesting to read what Ed has to say. Thank you so very much for your past support and inspiration.	Thank you for sharing your process. My intention for TTP is for it to be a passing AHA. Tribes, Like Relationships, Evolve. Clip: http://www.eric-photo.dk/EricPress PhotosWeb/OldCoupleInLove13-06- 1974-400pix.jpg
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 Rocks in Austin Several members of my tribe meet with Ed. I see the rocks process for the first time, as Ed coaches team members through their roles. Ed discusses how coping mechanisms are often transferred from others that are being stressed (not the stressor). The role playing is surprisingly effective, and real emotional responses are stirred. Ed solicits input from the attendees for new resources useful in handling the situation under review, and the hot seat participant is offered new solutions. Ed discusses the EcoNowMics project. Very interesting and timely! That will take some time for me to study and integrate. I drive home pondering my rocks. I am still thinking through the applications in my life.	Thank you for sharing your process.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 Healing != Fixing Ed, Today I realize that my mission, my job, is not to heal or to fix people, but just to help them to experience their feelings. I just wanted to share this with you.	Thank you for sharing your insight. You might consider adding <experiencing your own feelings> to your list.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009 Exposing the Light Hi Ed, Up until last Saturday I am not happy. For several weeks I feel gloomy and down on myself. I have a hard time to enjoy just about anything. I have a hard time to make decisions, as I do not feel confident in this state. I even develop headaches. It is intense pain between my eyebrows and seems to come from no where with a strong intensity. Sometimes it is so intense I must get up from my desk to lie down for a moment. I try to analyze the situation to see what is going on with me as everything in my life seems to be in line with what I want. My son is a growing, healthy boy. My trading goes well. Me and my trading development team do not have any breakthrough in our trading research but are working on plenty of new ideas. My wife and I seem to be doing fine. We have more disagreements lately but I assume that this is a result of my gloominess and not the source. I feel stuck and feel like a failure. Is lack of intimacy between my wife and I what is bothering me? Am I too impatient with my progress of becoming a great, great trader? Am I taking too much risk in the markets and it affects me in this manner? Am I upset with myself as all my recent trading ideas end up in a wastebasket? I can’t seem to stop being negative and analytical. Four weeks ago, at the peak of my struggle, I have a tribe meeting. I am usually ready to go, but this time I drag my feet. In the meetings, we initially discuss what is new in our lives, how we deal with the progress and so on. The other Tribe member seems to have progress in several areas and I find myself being negative. I have a difficult time listening to him and experiencing his happiness and being in a confident place. I am negative and unsupportive. I am well aware of these emotions, but unable or unwilling to share them with him. We are in a new office space and as we begin with the TT process I share with him that I am uncomfortable as there is a large window and glass door that random walkers may easily see inside. He says that he is not worried about that. He says that he sees a pattern of my worry about Tribe place privacy for a while. This is true. In the five years I am a member of [State] Trading Tribes, we hold meetings in several places and it is always my highest concern that the place is private. On a few occasions we even stop meeting because no place is satisfactory to me. His suggestion immediately makes me angry and embarrassed. I am even more unwilling to work. He sees that and we agree that the meeting is over. On my return home I am full of feelings of failure, sadness and anger as I just sit with a numb face. Sometimes when I am angry or sad the car is the best place for a DIM process for me. This time I cannot. A few more weeks pass and I am not doing much better. As I come to the meeting I am still not sure what it is I am struggling with. We receive an e-mail from [Name]. She shares with us that she is working on a book and visiting all the Tribes. She says that she has permission from you to write about the process as long she doesn’t use any of the TT essential terminology. She wants to do a pollinating session with us. We agree. She shows up for the meeting, we chat for awhile and then are ready to do the work. At the check in I also mention how I feel at the last meeting. [Name] shares his feeling of fear of me at the last meeting thus being unable to receive me. We both have a small AHA moment about it. I take the hot seat first and am willing to feel whatever comes up and do the work this time. I am committed this time. I begin with releasing the tension by shaking and growling, shrugging my shoulders. Right away I feel the pain in middle of my forehead. It’s the same pain which has been bothering me in recent weeks. It surprises me and pleases me at the same time that this happens. I begin to rub it with my index finger and growling as I am experiencing intense pain. As I am experiencing this a single thought flashes through my head. My AHA moment (this is usually my experience as I am deep into feeling my feelings as I fully experience them I get that single thought, the AHA moment)! I am afraid to fail and if I do, I do not want others to see it! I say this is it? The whole time I am afraid of what can go wrong. I am laughing at myself for being so silly. Yes, I want to do things right but not doing things in order to avoid fear of failing is not going to help any, is it? There is no way I can do everything right! And what does it mean anyway, to do things right? Sometimes failing is just the right thing to do, right? All I can do is to do the best I can and let the chips fall where they may. If I fail, I learn something (hopefully) and can charge again towards my goal with new resource. Okay, so I have an AHA moment and I am ready to go into my forms again to see if I do not leave something on the table. As soon as I go back into my forms and feel never ending support of my Tribe, it happens…the most intense feeling of fear I have ever felt! My eyes are staring wide open into space and I am cold and shivering. My Tribe is there for me and I keep going for it. I feel I am making the decision in my mind to either open up and unleash the fear or roll into a ball and experience the fear that way. I stay open. My arms and legs are stretched, my fingers are stretched, and eyes wide open staring into the space, while my body and head are shaking. I am going for it and wanting to enjoy my fear when just at the tipping point, a friend who lets us use the office walks in right in middle of my hot seat! I turn my head and stare at her! Since she lets us use the office I always feel that she is curious about what we do. I give her all the information and explain the process. I share with her many details about Tribe work. Nevertheless, her curiosity (and mine as I leave the door unlocked) is so strong that she must come in middle of the meeting to see! By the way, she is just bringing sodas to her office, she says. On a Saturday Evening? (Aren’t we people funny like this) As this happens, I get up to talk to her outside. I am neither angry nor upset. I just feel that I need to talk to her and let her know how I feel about her walking in on our meeting. “[Name] you walk in right in middle of our meeting! Don’t I tell you that this is very delicate process and requires privacy? Don’t I give you all the information and the website with the description of the process?” I see myself talking to her with a confident tone and am straight to the point. She says yes and yes. I say, “If you are curious, you can always ask me for more information, but walking in on us like this is not cool!” She apologizes and leaves. She seems embarrassed. I am O.K. with that. I am chuckling as I return. As I am out, [Name] shares with [Name] that this is my worst fear. Somebody just walked in on me during the meeting while I am on hot seat! My true feeling I do not like in this case - fear is exposed! As he tells me that, I am not aware of this. We all look at each other and start laughing. We do not have to talk to realize what just happened. Eyes wide open in amazement, high fiving each other. I feel power. I feel my fear now, and it is a good feeling! I do not mind others to see now that I am fearful when I am. I go full circle within an hour or so. From being totally down on my self feeling like locked inside of a box with little hope to escape out of it to feeling of complete freedom and happiness. We go back and forth and share our views of what happened. I share how well I feel supported and they share with me how intense my hot seat is! We are in a great place and loving it! For several minutes I am sitting there and chuckle. We are amazed about what just happened. The beautiful thing of the Trading Tribe process is that in a span of one hour or so, one can be virtually changed man if he desires. The deepest fears may change into a thing one chuckles about. And that is magic ladies and gentlemen, that is magic. There is more great stuff happening that evening as my fellow Tribe members take their hot seats. The change in my attitude since the meeting is phenomenal. Perhaps I can write about it some other time. By the way I am not frequent contributor to FAQ’s up until now. I always worry if what I write is good enough. Guess what…I do not worry anymore, I am happy to write! Thank you for support everyone! Good living and trading!	Thank you for sharing your process. Right Livelihood is a function of locating and sharing your inner light. Clip: http://i14.tinypic.com/6evbuwn.jpg
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 Report on Austin Tribe Meeting Hi Ed, I am writing to report on the TTP meeting we had last week. The participant on the hot seat had an issue with his mother telling him what to do and controlling him. When we started the rocks process I volunteered to be his mother in this process. I started out verbally questioning him about the business decision he had made and pushing him to do things my way instead as he tried to resist then finally gave in and agreed to do what I told him when it was obvious he did not want to do what I was pushing him to do. I found it easy to be forceful and push him to change his decision, then when he finally gave in I could see his posture slump and hear his voice change to resignation. An other member role played his dad and handed him the medicine rock while the hot seat participant stayed in about the same posture and tone. When given the opportunity to refuse the medicine rock he refused to take it from his dad this time and forgave the rock back to the rock donor. We then gave him the resource rock and suggested new resources he could use and then went through the process again. This time as he used his new resources his posture and tone of voice did not weaken but instead became stronger the more I tried to make him do things my way and I found it very difficult to continue the pressure on him. I just couldn't seem to muster up the same intensity as before. I felt powerless and weak at my attempts to influence him until I just finally gave up. I found it interesting how the change in him so quickly took all the power out of me and how who he was being with his new resources rendered me ineffective to influence him to do what I wanted but instead seemed too make him even more powerful the harder I tried to push. As we went through the rocks process you explained what we were doing as we did it which helped me understand the process better. I have been curious about Breathwork for sometime and enjoyed your discussion about this topic and the discussion about your EcoNowMics project. Thank you for having us to the meeting and good luck on your project.	Thank you for sharing your process.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 Wants to Play Hardball Hello I am from [City, Country]. I trade the NSE Index Futures ([Country] Equity Markets). I am trading for last 4 years. The site lists 5 tribes in [Country]. I have contacted all the tribe leaders but have not received any reply. Maybe they are not active anymore, that is the reason I am writing to you. Can you help me with the TT / Hardball Process?	You might consider the upcoming Workshop.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 Austin Tribe Report Ed, I want to email you to thank you for meeting with us and leading the TTP meeting last week. I feel everyone benefitted from watching you work with [Name] and your thorough explanation of the rocks process as we went through it. You were able to explain the process as you went along and that explanation did not seem to interrupt the process at all. I felt spacey for the next few days and identified 3 issues I am going to work on. One is my relationship with money, another my relationship with success and my other issue is the way I hide and play small so as not to stand out or draw attention to myself. I have already registered for the October workshop to work on these. If you are in [City] again and wish to have another meeting just let me know. Thanks again	Thank you for sharing your process.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 Wants to Get To the Real Money Dear Ed, I just wanted to say that what you do on your website is very powerful, and a lot of times I feel like you're really helping people who really need it. 1. I just wanted to say thank you for everything you do. 2. I've been trading professionally for 10 years now everything from domestic equities to foreign equities, forex, futures, and commodities. I'm also going to [Name], I'm working on my MBA in behavioral finance. I know that Quant trading, and algorithmic trading are the present and the future of trading. I was writing you to ask if you had any advice on how to get into program trading. I've read a lot of books, I've worked on [Software] etc. But I want to be where the real money is at. I've seen several systems that I couldn't believe how well they did (I could tell you more about them if you were interested). I've heard that you are the Hegemon for program trading. Do you know anyone who is mentoring, or training people for this field? Any advice for someone trying to get into Quantitative trading? Thank you for your time, and any response you give it means a lot.	Thank you for sharing your process. I'm not clear on what you mean by real money. Hegemony implies military power and dominance. Trend following is inherently passive and compliant. I may be less of a "hegemon" than a scribe. If you seek guidance, you might consider the upcoming Workshop. Alternatively, see the terms for private consulting on the Ground Rules page.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009 Report on Recent Austin Tribe Meeting Dear Ed, [Name] begins his hot seat by talking about a pattern he repeatedly follows, in which he stays in a business cycle past what he recognizes at the time is its peak. He gives examples of the oil industry in the 1980s and real estate today. He estimates this has cost him $10 million. As he speaks, his left eyebrow repeatedly rises and holds in place for a few seconds at a time. Ed vigorously questions him and [Name] says his mother advises him to remain in the business cycle despite his call of its top. Ed questions further and [Name] admits to being unable to say no to his wife, female clients of his business, and his children. I recall from previous tribe meetings [Name] has a daughter. I interrupt and ask, "You have a daughter?" With some embarrassment, he admits, "I have four." We all, including [Name], laugh. He recognizes he is unable to say no to women. Ed questions further and [Name] admits his mother repeatedly entered entrepreneurial ventures after overwhelming the protests of his father. Ed asks for volunteers to play the roles of [Name's] mother and father. Because I recognize the same unproductive behavior in myself that [Name] exhibits, I play the role of [Name's] father, both in the expectation this role-play will provide me insight into my policies and possible ways to change them, as well as provide insight into my own evolving role as the father of my two-month-old son. I also want to assist my Tribe member in his process. I play [Names] father's role in an interaction between his parents in which his mother (played by [Name]) suggests a business proposal, and I feebly protest, but finally hang my head, sigh, and say "Fine, let's do it your way." This scene is familiar to [Name] from his childhood. First, Ed leads us in enacting [Names] father's first presentation of the rock to [Name]. [Name] and [Name] role-play an interaction between [Name] and his mother, in which she pressures him to stay in the market past the peak. As he enacts his usual pattern, his unhappiness visibly grows until Ed indicates it is time for me to present the medicinal rock. I go to him and offer the rock. I describe its benefits, how it will make the unwelcome feeling go away, making the interaction with his mother tolerable, and numbing his consciousness and putting him to sleep. He accepts it. Next, as a Tribe we suggest new resources to him, give him the opportunity to test them, and then if he approves of them, incorporate them into a resource rock. With [Name's] approval, the Tribe installs in the resource rock the resources of saying no, saying he makes his own decisions, asking his mother what she feels, telling his mother what he feels, the 5% solution of shutting down but only when appropriate, and being open to further resources his intuition presents to him. I take the medicinal rock back before they perform the second role-play. I find I am unwilling to hold the medicinal rock. It feels toxic; I dangle it between my fingertips before setting it on the floor, In the second role-play, he has no resources and looks confused and unable to respond. As his confusion and inability to respond to the situation increase, I offer him the medicinal rock again. I sell its benefits, but this time he refuses to accept it. I return to my seat and quickly set the rock on the floor. The tribe's keeper of the resource rock then offers the resource rock to him. He accepts it. A third role-play between the two shows [Name] using his new resources effectively, even though Ed instructed him to turn up the intensity, to play more roles than just his mother (a client and a daughter seeking unearned money to finance her lifestyle), and to bring up older and more emotionally charged interactions between [Name] and his mother (relating to his mother's concerns about the family's social status in their native country during his youth). He demonstrates successful use of the resources. Ed checks his assessment of the resources and [Name] finds them effective and appropriate. Throughout the role-plays, I notice Ed firmly guides the players to turn up their manipulations, to sell the benefits of the medicinal rock, etc. After [Name] demonstrates successful use of the resources, we check out of our roles. I note as his father, I feel sadness his mother was abusing him the same way she abused me, as well as relief she has another target than just me. When he takes the resource rock, I feel some disappointment he rejected his father's offer, but also a lot of joy and pride my son has better resources than I had. Finally, we check out as tribe members, and I mention the toxic, corrosive, diseased feeling the medicinal rock stirs in me, and that I felt the strong urge to put it away from me. Moments later, one Tribe member picks it up from the floor in front of me and returns it to the collection of rocks our Tribe keeps for rocks processes. My Tribe members laugh. I feel slightly confused by their laughter, but primarily I feel glad I firmly stated my feelings and, in light of my statement, my Tribe member chose to act for my benefit.	Thank you for sharing your process.
Monday, September 21, 2009 Unconditional Love Hi Ed. 1. Unconditional Love, per the definition I grow up with of what love is and what love is not … "Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." I assume that unconditional love would apply to loving myself also which I find difficult at times. I feel that receiving the feelings of my children, my family, my friends is the first order of love. Caring enough to actively engage in receiving many times will require more than just listening and is an active process. I took time with several of my children to just listen to what they are feeling, what is going on with them. My youngest son has moved in with me and my two youngest daughters have requested a room also in the near future. I notice that expressing wonder always leaves the door open for love and curiosity whereas judgment closes both myself and the other person. Policies for unconditional love that I derived from my rocks process which I feel are consistent with the definition are: 1. Don’t go asking for an argument or confrontation (with others or the market) 2. Ask those involved how they feel 3. Tell others my feelings 4. Play dead, duck or stay down if overwhelmed 5. Practice purposeful patience 6. Remain open-minded I pick up the state of “remaining in wonder” from observing you when I was working there. I notice my feelings over the past weeks. Impatient -I feel impatient / frustrated about living in my house that is unfinished and I am still not completely unpacked. I feel impatient about my trading account not growing as quickly as I would like. I feel impatience with my ex-wife with the mind games she plays with my children in regards to me. I feel impatient being apart from my girlfriend. Boastful - I feel very boastful / proud that I doubled my trading account over a short time after our last tribe meeting (this feeling is much like when I observe Barney Fife after he is so sure and confident of himself). Rude - I feel this must be the feeling that follows the boastful / proud part because I had a nice drawdown after having and demonstrating these feelings to the market. Demanding My Own Way (See directly above) 2. Live Debt Free- I recently closed a business that was not working, cut my losses essentially and I also worked out a sale agreement with another business which was connected with my parents. I feel better about eliminating attachments with others (parents) that is unhealthy for me. 3. I begin working out and decide to utilize The South Beach Diet Online for recipes. I would like to eat five small meals per day and ideally not to eat after 6pm with the goal of losing between 1-2 lbs/week. Currently I eat every time I feel anxious or worried which is much more than 5 times per day. I notice sugar / high carbohydrate foods and caffeine keeps me off balance emotionally. I recall our last tribe meeting with the process of “I like to wait till the last minute” and I feel I need to address that myself in my life and trading. I notice if I do not eat as much that it opens the doorway to feelings that I need to feel to get better - sadness in particular. I notice also I am impulsive many times about eating and in other areas also. If my current policy is to override my system if I want to eat sweets or foods that are not beneficial perhaps my true intentions need to change. The next step I feel is to start recording a calorie count per day just to look at real numbers.	Thank you for sharing your process.
Monday, September 21, 2009 How To Lose $5 Billion Ed, Here are the charge sheet face to the financial squad of the trader [Name] who lost 5 billions of dollars of the [Institution] in 2008. It might be interesting for new readers of FAQ: 1)who still believe in the non existing future 2)who use prediction 3)who don't use Risk Management in the enthusiasm of knowing what gonna happen. By reading it, I notice he was a great supporter of prediction based on fundamentals. And this same prediction leads to forget the need of managing risk in the now. He says: " and I see the market coming back for the next three months, and I am still convinced the market will bounce. So I take long position and I don't worry (...)" "I have the feeling that market will bounce". "It was a way to average down my average price, and moreover since I know that the market is at its lowest then it's going back up quickly." "In April, it's the beginning of the problem of Subprime. I get information from newspapers and I state that media does not make mention of the small risk of transmission to the banks and the real economy. The more the time goes on, the more I am persuaded of the existence of the risk of the turn around of the market". Financial squad question :"are you quiet with your position sizing (30 billions)?" Answer: "No, I'm aware to get a big position but I am intimately convinced of the well-founded of my analysis." "My justifications would have been the same one. The hope of a turn around of the market". A structure without risk control and based on prediction, gives a behavior that leads to lose 5 billions$.	Thank you for the information. The Feeling of Losing can help medicate deeper issues. Clip: http://www.abc.net.au/reslib/200902/ r335228_1517888.jpg
Monday, September 21, 2009 Experiencing Rejection Ed, I realize that I still feel bad when I experience "rejection". I am surprised about it, since I worked on the issue several times. I take it again to the hotseat. The PM lacks experience and is uncertain about how to carry out the process. I tell him “just accept me the way I am, be open, be kind and firmly believe that what I feel is perfectly OK. That is all. If you do that, technique does not matter. I suppose that it is not even necessary to say a thing”. It happens exactly that way. I find the form very fast: it is lying on the floor, rocking back and forth, rubbing hands between my legs. It is the same form I showed during the Workshop and in your living room. I see that I still do not enjoy the feeling. PM and the Tribe yield relentless support, but I am still suffering. And suddenly I think “the best that I can do to enjoy a feeling, is, well, enjoy it”. It is like switching on a light: as I consciously decide to enjoy the feeling, I explode in an outburst of laugh. I keep on laughing for minutes, and I cannot remember laughing like that before. I repeat the form several times, and each time the joy overwhelms me and I start laughing uncontrollably. Finally I reach the zero point. I repeat the process a couple of times, until I am certain that I am done. At the end I realize that I have been laughing for more than 30 minutes. The days after that, merely thinking about rejection results in a wave of joy and an outburst of laugh. I see that an issue (rejection) can present several forms, and that they not all necessarily appear in one session. It reminds me of a plant which can resurge unexpectedly, until you remove the last root.	Thank you for sharing your process.
Monday, September 21, 2009 Checking In Dear Tribe; Thank you for being here. I appreciate all your help. The summer is over and I was thinking today of all the things I accomplished this summer. I started studying math, trend investing, system dynamics. I am terrible at all of them - but I am comfortable with my beginning, and floundering. I feel like I have made progress - and I am on track to make a lot more. I need to make a lot more progress. My husband is much better. He has even taken out the garbage! (A big event). My account. Up this week - down this morning. I have an old [computer] which I am using to learn investing using CSI Data. This is going to be a slow process. Two days of travel. Five days of gym. One and a half days of Swine Flu (very overrated).	Thank you for sharing your process.
Monday, September 21, 2009 The Busboy Hi Ed, I notice that I relate to FAQs about "Procrastination" on Sept 7 and "Enjoy of Delay" on Sept 9. I want to thank the author for sharing a process that is very similar to mine. Like him, I follow Ed's recommendation and ask my tribe for a Rocks process. I describe frustration with my continuing unemployment and my family drama. I mention feeling like a busboy. My wife stays in bed with the baby. She calls me in to bring her snacks, change diapers, plug and unplug cables and take the baby when she can't handle it anymore. I recall a recent job interview. I am out of the house for 6 hours. When I come back the baby is screaming and the wife is on the verge of hysteria, "I can't handle it! Where have you been? Don't you think it's time YOU did something for the baby?" PM asks me to show what it feels like to be a busboy. I go through several forms. I settle with my hands above my hands, my eyes fixed on my toes. My form is "stand in the corner and look sorry." I recall having this feeling around my mother. I disappoint her by not doing some chores she wants; she sends me on a guilt trip; I must show how sorry I am before I can come back from the trip. My resource for dealing with this is to shut down, punish myself, don't do anything I enjoy and don't want anything. I can see how this resource drives my life. I remember getting out of profitable trades as I employ this resource. I notice that I use this resource in my relationship with my wife. I notice that after I use it, I like to blame her for my depression. Sometimes I even manage to make her feel guilty about it. PM asks me if I want to keep this resource or replace it with a proactive one. I ask for new resources. Tribe members come up with 4 new resources I can use when my mother sends me on a guilt trip: 1) Explode and be an angry asshole (sic) 2) Play the guilt card back at her 3) Tell her that I love her--I disappoint her so I can get her attention, what I really want is her to pay attention to me 4) Tell her that I want her love, whether I do the chores to her satisfaction or not We role-play these suggestions. The first two seem to deepen the downward spiral of the confrontation. The third throws my "mother" completely off track. "She" says she loves me too. She looks confused and embarrassed. The forth resource has a similar effect. In my checkout I note that the last two resources stop an interaction I don't like, but it's not clear where the relationship may go from there. I sense hesitation in my "mother" who seems unsure about this new intimacy. I decide to incorporate the last two resources into a new rock. Later, I remember a useful resource we build into some rocks at IVTT, "saying what I want." I retroactively add this resource to my new rock. Yesterday I tell my wife, "I want to go to Ed's workshop in October. I remember you telling me you don't want me to leave you alone with the baby for 4 days. If you want to, we can hire someone to help you while I'm gone." Ed, I want to go to the workshop in October. To my original application I want to add another change I am willing to make: I want to provide financial security for my family.	Thank you for sharing your process. You might consider taking your feelings about <masters and slaves> to Tribe. Feelings About Being the Slave can serve to medicate (cover up) deeper feelings about Right Livelihood. Clip: http://www.recoveredhistories.org/ images/enslave-02.jpg